Monday, 22 March 2010

Scandal-Hit Parliament Hit by New ‘Scandal’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

If the political outlook for New Labour wasn’t bad enough already and they need even more bad news like a fish needs a bike – guess what – they just got another quadruple helping of the stuff – warts and all.

A corrupt cabal of New Labour MPs known around the House of Conmans as the ‘Gang of Four’ have been implicated in a 'cash for influence' scandal.
Information leaked to the Daily Shitraker indicates the four former Labour cabinet ministers have been accused of some very dodgy dealings with scumbag commercial interests.

This centres on them offering to use their old boy network political influence in return for payments amounting to lots and lots of money, according to one opposition Parliamentarian who spoke with reporters on conditions of complete confidence and anonymity (Sir Borkum Riff - Tory MP for Snitchford-on-Rye).

MPs Stephen Lyers, Ratricia Spewitt, Geoff Loon and Maggie Moron – who have been instructed to stand down at the next election due the recent scandal and recriminations concerning their extortionate personal expenses – were secretly filmed and recorded discussing financial payments with Ronnie McGrass, an uncover reporter with the Scandalmongers Gazette, posing as Senor Cabron Pendejo - an investment consultant for the Mexican ‘Sinalao’ drug cartel, looking to hire corrupt MPs for lobbying and public relations work.

Mr Lyers, the former Minister for Garden Sheds, is alleged to have described himself as “like a sort of cab for hire” for up to £5,000 a day, echoing Mohamed al-Fayed's revelations sixteen years ago viz Neil ‘The Wheel’ Hamilton that you can "hire an MP the way you hire a London taxi."

Patty Spewitt, previously the Secretary for Body Bags at the Department of Defence, claimed she required £3,000 a day in £50 quid notes to make sure consultants employed by the cartel obtained key seats on a Government narcotics advisory panel.

Geoff Loon, the former chief at the Ministry for Wheelbarrows and Paint, offered to lead drug-peddling delegations to ministers, stating he was looking to turn his knowledge and crony political contacts into “something that frankly makes mobs of money”, adding it would cost the Sinalao Cartel £3,000 a day for anything that involved criminal actions on his part.

Ms. Moron, - aka Manky Magg’ the Slag - the disgraced Scumdale Hamlets MP who was forced to pay back £22,500 in bent expenses, boasted she could telephone a “lezbo girlie gang” of colleagues to help clients – whose names included Jacqui Shitt, the former kitchen sinks secretary, Hazel Bleary, the former head of the Ministry for Scaremongering, and Harriet Hawhaw, the ginger minger deputy leader of the Labour Party.

Moron, a former Secretary for Tea Towels – and founder of the Scumdale Bad Breath Society - is currently under investigation by the Parliamentary Ombudsman concerning her dubious ‘business relationship’ with exiled Russian Wankprom zillionaire oligarch Oleg Mobsaroubles, who made a fortune out of old rope sales during the 1990’s the break-up of the USSR monolith.

Serious allegations have been filed that Moron received ‘payments’ from Mr Mobsaroubles to expedite and facilitate, on behalf of his girlfriend - the celebrity stripper Tekit Orloff - the issue of an operating permit for Ms Orloff’s planned chain of Happy Ending Rub n Tug massage salons to be opened throughout London and the Sussex stockbroker belt.

Apparently McGrass, the undercover reporter, approached a total of thirteen Labour MPs and seven Conservatives in total – including Gordon Broon – who apparently suggested that if the cartel’s hit men did an all-round snuff job on political opposition figures on the night before the General Election he’d be quite willing to ammend the 1971 Misuse of Drugs Act and reassess cocaine from its current prohibited Class A status to that of a non-prescription ‘recreational’ stimulant.

Stephen Lyers - allegedly to prove his corruptibility - informed ‘Senor Pendejo’ he had previously brokered a secret deal with Lord Adonut, the current Minister for Wheels, on behalf of Rattle Track, which was seeking to abandon the loss-making East Coast rail franchise without incurring financial penalties - but still claim zillions of pounds in government subsidies.

According to the secretly taped conversation Lyers stated: “I convinced Lord Adonut to be publicly very critical of Rattle Track so they could ditch the dodgy franchise – which he did once his numbered Swiss bank account was topped up with lots of Euros.”

Lyers was further recorded stating that the Sinalao Cartel would benefit from the “trump card” of his cuddly friendship with Lord Peter Scandalson, Gordon Broon’s current business secretary.
“Really, old ‘Vermin in Ermine’s a handy jukebox politician – he’ll play anything if you pop a few bob in his pocket.”

Lyers then relates he persuaded Lord Scandalson to put a stop to “massively bureaucratic” food labelling regulations after he was contacted by Pestco, the UK’s largest Greedy Grocer supermarket chains.

Pestco CEO Shylock Weaselstein denied any links with the former minister, alternately stating "We did not speak to Stephen Lyers on food labelling, regulation or indeed any other issues. These claims are completely fictitious and Mr Lyers has admitted this after we threatened to break his legs."

Conversely once the allegations appeared plasterd across the banner headlines of the Daily Shitraker, Mr Lyers issued a statement claiming he had mixed up his anxiety attack medication that day and was apt to tell a few porkies and slightly exaggerate things.

Lord Adonut and Rattle Track have also denied the accusations, and with Lord Scandalson claiming a ‘selective memory attack’ and that he had "no recollection" of discussing the issue Mr Lyers.

Ratricia Spewitt MP for Old Scrotum, told Pox news she was offering to do the work only after she left the House of Conmans. “I am always willing to give advice to companies who have something positive to offer me in return – like a Pestco ‘bag for life’ stuffed with nifty £50’s.”

Ms Sue Fleecem QC, acting for Geoff Loon, informed Fux News his comments had been misrepresented as he had realised Senor Pendejo was a reporter and was only having a bit of a laugh.

In her own defence Maggie Moron informed the media "The meeting with the Sinalao Cartel representative involved hypothetical discussions about the future and ‘what if’. I wasn't looking for a job – just to earn a few quid on the side and rebuild my fucked-up life after I get kicked out of Parliament shortly."

Chancellor Alistair Darling says what happened was "ridiculous"- and the former ministers should have been asking at least twice that amount of money per day.
Foreign Secretary David Millipede - always anxious to open his mouth and say something stupid – told Shite News Live he was "appalled" by the apparent cheapo corrupt antics of his former cronies, stating "There is absolutely no room for anyone to be peddling their ministerial influence for thirty pieces of silver as the going rate is a minimum of a hundred.”

Chief Labour Whip Sir Irwin Bogbrush informed the media any rule breaches would be dealt with "in a firm manner" with the requisite slap on the wrist and having to stand in the corner - but he had been assured by those involved that no breaches had actually occurred – so everything was okay.

Hmmm, obviously that puts any Crown Prosecution Service action out of the picture.

Conservative leader Posh Dave Cameron told the House of Conmans assembly he wants the amount of time before former ministers are allowed to lobby the government to be doubled - to two weeks after being fired from office - with tougher penalties such as withdrawing the Parliamentary privilege ‘biscuit ration’ for breaking the rules.

How odd that the Gang of Four, whilst denying any and all culpability in the influence peddling scandal, have all been found guilty in the Court of Public Opinion of their expenses swindles – which they also denied.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange advisory.
Is influence peddling on a bicycle less damaging to the environment that doing it from a Chelsea Tractor?

Stop press / Drop the ‘Dead Donkey’: The Sinalao Cartel tonight issued a statement from their Mexico City HQ regarding the influence peddling / bribery scandal, stating for the record that it would never do business with a bunch of low life criminal MPs from the British House of Conmans as it set its business ethic standards on a far loftier moral plane.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of untruths, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If an MP shits on his own doorstep is it considered a breach of Parliamentary privilege?

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