Tuesday, 9 March 2010

New Labour Muse VAT on Tucker

Once again, the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

In a last ditch, madcap scheme conjured up by Gordon Broon’s poofter Business Secretary Lord Peter (Vermin in Ermine) Scandalson to really alienate the British voting public prior to the Mayday General Election – and ‘hopefully’ refill the depleted Treasury coffers - shoppers could soon face the imposition of a crippling VAT levy on their daily sustenance.

Consequently, with food sales from the Pestco Greedy Grocer and Pukesburys supermarket chains estimated to total an excess of £120 zillion quid a year, the imposition of VAT on groceries is being actively considered by Shitehall officials as a radical means of reducing the national deficit and covering up the total bollocks New Labour’s fiscal mis-management has made of the UK economy over their mis-ruling span of 13 (unlucky number?) years.

So politically-sensitive is the pitfall-fraught concept that all the talks are being expedited "under the radar" (according to retail industry insiders who perform voluntary shit-stirring work for Ox-Rat : the grass and snitch charity) - in the cellars beneath that den of thieves colloquially known as the House of Conmans .
Basic supermarket groceries such as dog biscuits, bog rolls, bread, milk, baked beans and Spam are currently exempt from VAT, along with Kotex, boot laces, suppositories, hot water bottles and Prozac.

However a proposed VAT levy five per cent on food of the would raise zillions of pounds in tax and help reduce New Labour’s borrowings - which are expected to hit £180 zillion quid this year – and shore up the UK’s basket case Third World economy until Broon and Co get their arses kicked out of office at the forthcoming election – and then the next bunch of inept clots can come in and make an even worse balls-up of things.

Any food tax is rightly considered to be controversial as it will disproportionately affect the poorer families now comprising 90% of the UK’s unemployed and homeless population.
Further a move to impose it would be vehemently opposed by the UK's large food retailers, who argue that it would be a 'tax on living' – and they would be the first to feel the brunt of the predicted comebacks – from increased shoplifting to arson jobs on their 24/7 brightly-lit monopolies.

Isaac Bogbrush, the chief executive of Pukesburys, opined to Pox News that a tax on groceries would be a Marie Antoinette style "very bad idea" – and simply one more in a long line of Labour’s very bad ideas that might just prove fatal for all concerned with its conception and implementation.

Another supermarket executive who refused to be named (Arthur McTwat of Mamon & Snobfords supermarket chain) told a reporter from the Anachists Gazette that the tax would be "political dynamite" and could well spark another Peasant’s Revolt.

Tory grandee Posh Dave Cameron told Fux News “Well, someone’s got to foot the bill for the continuing debacle of Labour’s war in Afghanistan and keep to funding the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and the 18th Light Body Bag Brigade – plus all of Brown’s and Darling’s fuck ups to date – and this task traditionally falls on the shoulders of the proletariate sheeple – either via increased taxation or a sharp cut in social spending.”

While Cameron’s references to the UK’s involvement with the neo-imperialist wars are correct the Food Tax is viewed by many financial analysts as a last ditch effort to make up the shortfall caused by bailing out dodgy banks that should have been left to the ravages of Darwinian philosophy regarding the ‘survival of the fittest’ and gone under like a lead duck on thin ice – and definitely not provided golden parachutes and old school pal payoffs and bonuses for criminally-liable banksters living high on the hog in Surrey’s ‘Scumbroker’ belt.

The topic is being tentatively raked to and fro across the coals between Shitehall’s terrified career civil service pederasts and arse bandits, as equally dodgy politicians and lobbyists scratch their collective numpty heads and examine possible ways of raising revenues that don’t initiate a remake of the storming of the Bastille and the guillotining of every bugger and their dog with more than one credit card in their wallet – or resurrecting the spectre of that grand Yorkshireman of letters - Guy Fawkes..

However civil servants are hard at it constructing computer models of all the permutations available to the next government – if Gordon Broon & Co happen by some unseen miracle – or a massive ballot box fraud – to win the coming election.

Thought for the day: If Gordon Broon shits on the Treasury doorstep and there’s no-one around to smell it, will Alastair Darling come along with his ‘poop scoop’ and bag it up?

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