Four-Inch Tadger Not Deadly Weapon

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

A man who attempted to beat a female police officer – WPC Fellattia Gammer - over the head with his penis has been heavily fined and sentenced to 50 hours of community service - licking the neighbourhood pavements clean of chewing gum and dog shite.

Lithuanian immigrant Bonkas Dorkrat, 28, tried to strike the officer on the bonce with his semi-erect cock when she was called out to attend a reported disturbance of the peace by Dorkrat’s live-in girl friend Chlamydia Mingerot, who rang the local Plod Squad to complain that Dorkrat was totally shit-faced and trying to shag her cat.

Apparently Dorkrat had been on a bender and reportedly supped more booze than Wetherspoon’s First Eleven on a Saturday night.
The court heard he had been drinking a mix of Old Headbanger and Bitch Thumper lagers and could not remember anything due the onset of alcoholic amnesia.

Dorkrat admitted charges of drunk and disorderly - and sexual assaults on WPC Muffitch - plus his girlfriend’s cat Tiddles - before Smegmadale Magistrates Court and was fined a hefty £10 – and sentenced to the 50 hours of community service work.

When police were summoned they arrived to find Dorkrat - an unemployed tortoise polisher with a history of alcoholism and rhubarb dependency - standing on a kitchen stool, dangling his male member into the goldfish bowl after his failed attempts to goose Tiddles the cat had resulted in said feline escaping up the parlour chimney.

WPC Gammer told the court "The accused jumped down, grabbed me by the collar and started hitting me on the head with this thing hanging out of his underpants – which was like a penis - only smaller.”
“He then attempted to shove it into my left ear, declaring he was ‘going to fuck some sense into me. It was at this time I grabbed him by the scrotum and used my taser on his offending member.”

Residing Magistrate Quentin Thort-Nott informed Dorkrat that he was fortunate he suffered from SCS (Small Cock Syndrome) and his penis was less than four inches in length otherwise he would have been charged with ‘assault with a deadly weapon’ and given a minimum custodial sentence of five years.

Defence attorney Ms Candida Muffitch informed the court "Mr Dorkrat has never been so drunk before that day and accepts he has to take full responsibility. He apologises profusely for the trouble he has caused and is extremely embarrassed having to appear in court with his penis hanging out and tagged with a label stating Exhibit A."

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel.