Thursday, 25 March 2010

It’s a Dogger’s Life with no Woods

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill - with additional proof that this is the month of the Mad March Hare.

A Wankashire council has used a health and safety smokescreen to justify clearing a 12 hectare forested roadside site the on the outskirts of Darwen, just south of Blackburn, claiming that the 60-year-old trees were in danger of falling over and perhaps squashing a rabbit or squirrel.

The huge expanse of woodlands that ran for kilometres alongside the busy A666 ‘Satan’s Boulevard’ was ‘axed’ following a contrived health and safety survey that reported the trees were unsafe.
Conversely the real reason for the criminal devastation of this stunning beauty spot was to stop couples holding nocturnal al fresco sex session sex in public.

Alderwoman Fellattia van der Gobble informed a reporter from the Voyeurs Gazette that an excess of 6,000 trees had been chopped down at the Cottagers Woods area after it became a hotspot for ‘Amomaxia’ – or ‘dogging' as it is colloqually known - where people have sex with strangers while being watched - by other strangers.

Morton Bogbrush, a spokesman for the local Council Tax Avoiders Alliance told the Daily Shitraker 'It's awful that a public green space, an asset to the local community, has been destroyed mindlessly just to stop folk enjoying a dogging session.”
“Now that’s got to have made a right bollocks of the council’s carbon credit cap and trade exchange balance at the Global Warming Bank.”

'If the police ever got off their lazy fat arses and the law was enforced properly then there would be no need to chop down the trees. Before you could drive past slowly and make out ‘suggestive’ silhouettes and shadows – now it’s wholly embarrasing as there are no trees or bushes to hide behind so everyone’s shagging each other rotten in plain sight across a car bonnet when they get caught in the headlights.”

“Seriously it interferrs with driving concentration – watching some bloke’s hairy arse going like a fiddler’s elbow while he’s porking that spotty slapper off the complaints counter from the local B & Q DIY centre.”

While ‘dogging’ is a ‘Common Law’ offence - of ‘Outraging Public Decency’ – such is rarely imposed – mainly due the police arriving on the scene and joining in themselves.

Critics have slammed the scorched Earth policy of the local council, with the popular Dogging-After-Dark website’s noticeboard hosting scores of complaints such as Jacko the Cocksman’s : “It really woz a swinger’s heaven, now your bare ass gets lit up in the headlights of passing cars which puts me right off the vinegar strokes and affects me performance.”

Local Councillor Chlamydia Killjoy insisted the area will be replanted with a native species of trees – dwarf Sequoias – to provide a self-sustaining fence and windbreak - but not sufficient cover for rampant al fresco sexual escapades.

Conversely Ms Candida Muffrot of the Darwen Prudes Society told a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette “We consider it a disgrace all this sex in public – why don’t these people go and shag each other silly in the privacy of their own homes – or garden sheds if they want some outdoor activities.”

Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange declaration: A total of 6,000 trees were chopped down while posting this message – causing a mass extinction level event of all dependent life forms – including several threatened species of 'Pervertus Doggus'.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits in Doggers Wood is it classed as a Public Order offence?

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