Friday, 19 March 2010

Leprechaun Pulls St Paddy’s Day Bank Heist

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

Several members of the feared Little People Gang of bank robbers dressed in St Patrick's Day costumes have been wounded in a potato fight with police in Boston.

The First Shylock Bank of Latter Day Kikesters in the Twatville suburb of Boston was held up yesterday, March 17th, by the gang – with the suspected leader dressed as a leprechaun – who escaped the building with a large pot of ready cash and promptly disappeared into the multi-hued end of a conveniently-situated rainbow.

Seymour Scumberger, manager of the bank, told a reporter from the Smash & Grab Gazette that the three foot high costumed gang leader had been wearing a green top hat, vest and shorts and what appeared to be a fake brown beard and wig - and walked around swinging a shilleglagh shouting “Sure and begorrah lads, let’s get dis little caper stitched up an’ be gone!”

Two of the green-clad gang who answered to the names of Pat and Mick used pick axes to break open the vault door while their backs were guarded by a 250 pound hairy-legged gang member called Murphy, dressed in a fairy costume with a lace tutu and gossamer wings – who waved a magic wand around in a menacing manner and subdued the bank’s security guards with handfuls of pixie dust spiked up with mace.

Police caught up with the remaining gang members after they fled the bank with holdalls full of high denomination banknotes and were stood waiting for a Peter Pan bus in Hyde Square – whereupon a fierce ballistic exchange took place with a sack full of Marris Piper spuds being thrown at the police officers – who responded with turnips grabbed from a nearby vegetable vendor.

Boston’s Virtual Reality Gazette made mention that the case was reminiscent of a 2007 Christmas Eve robbery in the city’s Kuntford suburb when a plump senior citizen, dressed in a bright red Santa Claus outfit - including a hat, white beard and moustache - held up the First Khazar Bank of Yidstein, demanding money from the teller at gunpoint and chortling “Ho-ho-ho!” to himself.

No arrests were made in that case as the suspect fled the snow-bound crime scene and promptly disappeared on a sled pulled by six reindeer.

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel.

Thought for the day: If a leprechaun shits in a pot will it turn into gold - or pixie dust?

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