Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Microchipping Pets Causes Cancer

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill - with additional proof that this is the month of the Mad March Hare.
The hot gossip topic of the moment on the tip of all personal injury litigation suit tongues this weekend is “Do implanted microchips cause cancer in cats and dogs?”

That's the burning question pet owners are rightfully asking after highly aggressive tumours developed around the microchip implants of a pair of four-legged barking machines, killing one and leaving the other terminally knackered – with the pathology and autopsy reports indicating a direct link between the Schering-Plough ‘Where’s Fido?’ carcinogenic microchips and formation of rapid-growth malignant cancers.

Godzilla, a five-year-old twin-horned Rhino Hound, originally weighing in at 500 pounds, passed away peacefully last week after developing a hemangio-sarcoma – a malignant form of cancer that can snuff humans in double-quick time.

According to a pathology report Godzilla’s tumour appeared between his shoulder blades within two weeks of receiving an RFID microchip, which developed into a large mass the size of a camel’s hump, with the cancer metastasising to the dog’s lungs, liver and spleen.

Godzilla underwent emergency surgery at the Mount Woofer Clinic for Latter Day Canines where veterinary surgeons extracted a twenty pound tumour from the dog’s back – which had the RFID microchip embedded right at the centre.

However Godzilla never fully recovered and last week flew out to Switzerland to the Dignitas Clinic where he signed up for the Kennel Club’s assisted suicide option and barked his last.

Recently a three-year-old Smegmadale pit bull terrier named Snarly was also diagnosed with a cancerous tumour growing between his shoulder blades, in the same location where the Applied Digital Solutions RFID microchip had been implanted the previous month.
The excised tumour was the size of a medium free range ostrich egg and identified as malignant lymphoma – with Snarly's microchip embedded in the centre of the tumour.

A Scumborough-on-Sea grandma, Mrs Rita Scrunt, recently took her pet tomcat Tiddles to the vet’s when he started to grow a lump on his neck and resemble a feline version of Quasimodo.
In this case the vet removed a huge malignant tumour – once more formed around the moggy’s implanted microchip.

Dog-Gone - the national pet recovery and identification network, harassed the vet to review the pathology report, and re-assess his findings, claiming without any form of proof that the microchip was not the cause of the tumour.
However the company sent Granny McScrunt a £300 quid cheque to pay for Tiddle’s medical expenses.

Mrs. McScrunt told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “They might well claim it wasn’t their micro-chip wot caused Tiddle’s hump but somethin’s got ter be well an’ truly fucked up fer them ter be givin’ me £300 nicker.”
“These are the twats wot’s makin’ the microchips they want ter inject inter our kids so we know where the fuck they are – and next comes Alzheimer’s an’ dementia patients – then the rest of us sheeple.”

Would you have your dog or cat microchipped just to keep Big Brother happy? How about having one implanted in the scruff of your kiddie’s neck? Do you think the pet chipping thing is just another Kansas City shuffle to get the human herd chipped so the NWO can switch us on or off at will?

Send your comments using the online post form below and we’ll pass them on to Homeland Security’s domestic terrorism department so they can index you with all the other tea party radicals.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No dogs, cats or other small furry mammals were harmed - or euthenised - in posting this message. However, a large number of RFID chips were temporarily scrambled.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If someone’s pet bear shits in the woods and it’s not been microchipped , how the fuck will the park warden know who to slap a fine on?

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