Accident? Call NHS Helpline – in Delhi

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill - providing additional proof that this is the month of the Mad March Hare.

Top secret NHS Trust documents leaked to the Daily Scandalmonger by a group anarchist snitchers and grassers working for the Ox-Rat stool pigeon charity reveal that the Smegmashire Ambulance Service gets a bonus kickback of £38 quid for every patient they ‘don't’ take to hospital.

Yep, you read it correctly the first time - the Ambulance Service is being paid bonuses for ‘not’ taking patients to hospital in a bid to help dodgy NHS Trusts hit their controversial targets.

The UK patients group ‘Sickies’ expressed 60% outrage, 25% horror and 15% total disbelief at the "bizarre Nazi-style experiment" in which National Ill-Health Service managers have agreed to pay £38 for every casualty that the para-medics comprising ambulance crews keep out of Accident and Emergency (A&E) departments after a 999 life-or-death crisis call has been made in a futile hope of summoning their attendance.

Sickies spokeswoman Ms. Fellattia van der Gobble told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “These clowns are confusing the word ‘patient’ with ‘profit’ – and all thanks to yet another one of New Labour’s major snafu’s.”

The tactic is part of an attempt to juggle resources and the increasing demand for emergency care amid failings in the fubar GP 24/7 out-of-hours system which has proved to be more of a ‘loss sharing’ scheme that one of profit-sharing – and consequently of as much use as tits on a bull – with the only beneficiaries being to the NHS Mortuary department staff – in overtime work - and local undertakers who have been reaping a windfall boom in business since the scheme was introduced.

Documents passed on to the Daily Scandalmonger by Ox-Rat disclose that staff at the majority of Britain's ambulance services have been encouraged to maximise the organisation's income by securing bonus payments for diverting patients to telephone helplines – specifically the Samaritans or the Swiss Dignitas Clinic.

The bonuses are among dozens of hare-brained schemes being tried out by ambulance trusts across the country in a desperate attempt to improve their emergency response times and help A&E departments meet controversial targets to treat all patients within three – or four - days of arrival and definitely reduce the numbers croaking in hospital corridors.

Another plan being bandied around would see thousands of 999 calls currently classed as ‘urgent’ downgraded so that whingeing patients receive telephone advice from a Delhi-based medical clinic instead of a local UK ambulance response.

A recent investigation was launched into the dubious practices of the Smegmadale NHS Trust piloting the scheme following the death of a man whose case was referred to a New Delhi call centre when a ‘blue light’ ambulance should have been immediately dispatched to deal with the twenty-three assorted stab and bullet wounds he sustained outside the Scallies Arms pub while attempting to prevent a gang of yobs from nicking the wheels off his bike.

More than a dozen types of medical crisis currently designated as urgent, and requiring ‘blue light’ ambulance assisstance ‘immediately - if not sooner’ - are either transferred to medical advisors at the Delhi call centres – or advised to ring back in a couple of hours if the ‘problem’ persists.

Mrs Hilda Scrunt, 96, a Smegmadale-on-Sea resident, received a like message when she dialled ‘triple nine’ last month, only to get put on hold and listen to a recording of Beethoven’s ‘Death March’ – then eventually told to call back later.

“I told ‘em, the stupid buggers, that me husband Frank woz havin’ a heart attack an’ they said ‘Get him ter take deep breaths an’ drink weak tea.”
“Anyways, I calls ‘em back a couple of hours after, like they said an’ they’re gonna send an ambulance round this time but I told ‘em not ter bother an’ can they just drop a body bag off instead – an’ let the undertaker know I might have some business fer him.”

How are your First Aid skills? Have you ever carried out a simple surgical procedure on a loved one or close relative? Splinter removal or suturing a severed femoral artery? How about on your neighbours – or any of their pets? Does your local library stock books on organ transplants? Would you know how to Google ‘Emergency Tracheotomy’ then jab a sharpened ball pen tube through your own windpipe before you choked to death?

Send your comments using the online e-mail form below and you might win an all-expenses paid trip to the Swiss Dignitas Resort and take their NVQ1 course in Assisted Suicide – Theory & Practice.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange declaration: No 999 ‘blue light’ ambulance calls were made while posting this message – and all £38 bonus payments will be donated to our favourite charity – the local pub.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.