New Labour Goes ‘Barking Mad’

New Labour’s overblown ‘Nanny State’ - fuelled by its ‘fast, cheap and out of control’ cradle to the grave credo - has gone totally gaga in converting what was once our sceptred isle – this green and pleasant land – into a Kafkaesque / Pavlovian social experiment run by authoritarian despots.

Under the latest piece of stupid legislation to be concocted by the Common Purpose brainwashed bureaucrats at the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money every household pet owner will have to take a costly ‘competence test’ to prove they can handle their hairy, furry, scaly or feathered friends, under new Government proposals designed to curb the spread of ‘fierce creatures’.

Owners of all types of animlals kept as pets would further be coerced by the government’s cash rapists into purchasing third-party insurance to indemnify legal costs and personal injury claims resulting from their ferret, tortoise or budgie attacking the postman or meter reader - and pay for the mandatory sub-dermal insertion of a microchip in each animal recording their name and address.

Dynamic pet ants and trained fleas will, for the present, be exempt from the Verichip requirement as the actual chip is bigger than the insect itself.

The proposals are among a range of measures to overhaul Pet Laws in England and Wales being considered by numpty government panjandrums with nothing better to do, who are eager to push the revenue-generating bill through the House of Conmans before they get voted out of office at the forthcoming general election – to make way for the investment of the next set of political idiots.

However critics informed the Daily Shitraker that responsible pet owners would be penalised by yet more red tape and higher bills – with one self-proclaimed ‘expert’ estimating the extra costs at £60 per dog, cat or goldfish – while irresponsible owners of dangerous pets such as rabid hedgehogs or razor-backed gerbils would just ignore the measures and stay below officialdom’s radar.

They added that genuine animal lovers could end up footing the bill to finance futile efforts to control the legions of ‘devil pets’ that terrorise the dystopian cesspits known as ‘socially deprived housing areas’ - and colloquially referred to as a council’s ‘sink or swim estates’.

RSPCA spokesperson Fellattia van der Gobble told a correspondent for the Cat Chuckers Gazette it would welcome a review of legislation which has so far failed to curb the numbers of dangerous pets that go into attack mode at the slightest provocation.

Further, it is hoped the new laws would address and curb exploitive sports and pastimes such as bunny baiting, duck racing, hamster juggling – and unlicenced cat chucking.

Other proposals due to be floated by the Government include giving the police and local authorities the power to impose Asbos on the pensioner-owners of unruly tomcats and budgerigars.