Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Nursery Rhymes to Flog Carbon Credits

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

Two stupid government advertisements which employed nursery rhymes to warn of the fictitious dangers of global warming have been banned for exaggerating the threat and panicking school children into anxiety attacks, nervous breakdowns and attempted suicides.

Commissioned by Energy Drinks Secretary Ed Millipede and the Ministry for Scaremongering, the adverts are based on children’s poems such as ‘Jack and Jill’ and ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub’ and assert that the global warming threat prophesised by St Albert of Gore will cause either devastating floods - or a drought - across the Home Counties and Midlands this summer.

The Advertising Standards Agency (ASA) ruled that the asinine ad’s – which attracted 42,674,939 telephone and online complaints – plus several bricks thrown through the window remonstrances - made exaggerated claims which went far beyond the current mainstream scientific consensus now that Climategate has exposed the facts that the glaciers aren’t melting at a geometric rate of knots nor are the polar bears all goin to drown before Easter.

One advert read: “Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. There was none as extreme weather due to global warming had caused a drought – so they said fuck it and went off to Bargain Booze and stocked up on cans of Old Headbanger lager instead.”

Beneath this was scribed the dire warning: “Extreme weather conditions such as flooding, heat waves and storms will become more frequent and intense – tell your parents to buy more carbon exchange cap and trade credits now!”

One other banned advert created in the mysterious depths of Millipede’s psychotic mind read: “Rub a dub dub, three men in a bathtub – the Butcher, the Baker and the Candlestick maker - along with a drowning polar bear - a necessary course of action due to flash floods caused by global warming.’

The poster’s footnote carried the legend: “Global warming is very real and the temperatures and sea levels are rising. If you’ve seen the movie 2012 then you know what’s going to happen and it’s all your fault!”

The ASA watchdog stated that Millipede or the Ministry of Propaganda must not publish any such like adverts again, ruling that the text accompanying the rhymes should have been phrased more delicately.

Using references from the Climategate scam reports regarding the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) dodgy concocted weather data prophecies, the ASA determined it was not possible to make such definitive statements about Britain’s future climate – especially so when the Met’ Office couldn’t even decide what the weather was going to be like the following day – rain, shine, snow or hail – or even go dark before Tuesday.

Hence the adverts were judged as having broken the code on substantiation, truthfulness and environmental claims and further caused questions to be raised in Whitehall with regard to Millipede – specifically “Who the fuck gave this clot the job of Energy Drinks Secretary?”

Fellattia van der Gammer, official spokeswoman for the ASA, told a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette ‘All statements about future climate conditions and global warming were modeled on the faulty data and packs of lies concocted by the IPCC and their greedy bankster cap and trade credit cohorts at the University of East Anglia’s Climatic Research Unit.”

“This was recently exposed by the whistleblowers from Ox-Rat, the grass and snitch charity which blew the lid off the Climategate can of worrms that a cabal of greedy academics were massaging the figures and thus dealt a severe blow to the credibility of environmental science and its ficticious global warming predictions.”

Hey diddle diddle
Al Bore’s on the fiddle
With polar bears jumping over the Moon.
The little penguins laughed at the global warming scam
And some banksters ran away with the carbon credits.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning : This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of untruths, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If a polar bear has to swim from an ice-free North Pole to Alaska and Al Bore’s not around to rescue it, will it still drown?

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