Saturday, 6 March 2010

SA’s Monty Zuma in UK on Mooching Mission

Her Imperial Majesty Queen Liz - and hubby Phil the Greek – aka Virus Man - will formally greet South African President Monty Zuma and members of his National Kleptocracy Party entourage at the start of their three-day state visit to the UK on an official begging bowl mission.

Once the presidential party disembark their Capetown to London double decker bus at the Victoria Coach Station, Mr Zuma and Prince Philip will first whet their sanguinary appetites by sharing a bowl of freshly-slaughtered goat’s blood then move on to review a guard of honour from the 14th Notting Hill Assegai Regiment spearing to death a congregation of rabid crocodiles in the shallows of Hyde Park’s Serpentine boating lake.

They will then join the Monarch and Prime Monster Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown, plus a gaggle of senior royal hangers-on and civil service jobsworths, for a gourmet ceremonial piss up and cannibal style smorgasbord buffet at the Whitehall branch of McD’s Chew n Spew fast food restaurant.

President Zuma, accompanied by his lard-arsed senior wife, Lulu the Zulu – plus his official polygamist Hottentot harem - will then embark on a carriage procession - drawn by displaced Haitian earthquake refugee orphans - to Buckingham Palace for a display of peasant bashing by the Royal Bullyboy Brigade.

Police officers from Scotland Yard’s CO19 Armed Response ‘Electrician Snuffers’ Unit will be on hand to keep an eye on Zuma’s sticky-fingered, larcenous entourage - and count the silverware and tea spoons.

This will provide Gordon Brown with an opportune excuse to miss another embarrassing session of Prime Minister's Questions in the House of Conmans as he takes part in the welcoming ceremony and avoids being quizzed by Opposition figures on the current internet media story that he’s a raving paedophile and criminally involved in the coverup of a dodgy deviant bigwig’s kiddie fiddling ring north of the border.

However Broon is scheduled to hold talks with Monty Zuma and his Flying Circus on Thursday - with Robert Rhubarbie’s continuing political pantomime in Zimbabwe expected to be high on the agenda - along with Al Bore’s global warming scam, the astronomical price of rice in Iceland – and the shortfall of global confetti production due unseasonable snowfall affecting harvests.

The two leaders are also expected to discuss the soccer World Cup, which South Africa is hosting this summer – if the other participating teams don’t suffer the same fate as the star-crossed Togo squad favourites in the Cup of Nations who fell victim to an unhealthy dose of African sportsmanship crossfire while in Angola for playoffs earlier this year.

England is vying to host the footie World Cup in 2018 – if it can ever get its proverbial act together and not make a total bollocks of hosting the 2012 Olympics in London.

BBC world affairs correspondent Peter Sychophant told the Jolly Golly Gosh programme that Zuma - a polygamist who has married at least forty-five times - is renowned for his charm and informality – and groping other people’s womenfolk.

Conversely Zuma recently experienced a public backlash after acknowledging he had fathered yet another unwanted child, his 200th, with the wife of his Minister for Graft & Corruption, Mr Julius Chuckabutty.

The controversial Zuma has previously faced an entire conglomeration of criminal charges – from Arse Banditry to Corruption to Murder to Rape to Zoophilia – and back to Beastiality – all of which have been dropped due a lack of living witnesses.

During his trip Zuma – a former rhubarb addict - will visit several of his close relatives at the Regent Park Zoo to hand out bunches of fresh bananas from the Cape province – and also meet Tory leader Posh Dave Cameron and Lib-Dem chief Nick Clogg in the salubrious private comfort of one of Soho’s discreet lap dancing bars to discuss arms sales and wind farm technology.

On Thursday Zuma is scheduled to make a trip to the very big hole in the ground that currently constitutes the site of the Olympic Park Stadium at Shitborough Hamlets in East London, with Olympics Minister Tessa Bowells.

Later that evening Mr Zuma will give a speech during a banquet at Achmed’s Fish & Chip Bistro, next door to the Guildhall on Gresham Street – to be hosted by the Mayor of London – Bonkers Boris Nonsense.

On Friday, the final day of the visit, Zuma will formally say bye-bye to the Queen before calling in to say ‘Hi’ to the Prince of Wales at Clarence House for a quick chat with his pet plants and a grope at Camilla’s ‘Duchy Originals’ boob job knockers.

Then it will be back on their double decker bus for the long drive across the currently-frozen North Atlantic to visit Zuma’s good African friend President Barky O’Barmy, who was born just a ways up the road from Cape Town - in Kenya.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits in the woods and there’s no-one around to smell it, does it still stink?

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