Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Greedy Grocer’s 2 for 1 on Selected Vermin

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

Pestco, part of the Greedy Grocer supermarket chain, has been ordered to pay £74,000 in fines and costs after legions of mice were discovered infesting the aisles and shelves of their Smegmadale-on-Sea ‘Extra’ store by the local authority’s Health and Sanitation officials.

Smegmadale Coastal District Council spokesperson Fellattia van der Gobble told the Ratcatchers Gazette that its food safety team had discovered a ‘whole shitpile of problems’ at the Pestco Extra outlet - especially so around the ‘Pet Foods’ section.

The vermin infestations got so bad that Pestco cleaning staff were afraid to carry out their duties after one Albanian ‘mop n sweep’ operative was found nibbled to death under the halal deli’ counter.

Members of the public informed the Daily Shitraker of seeing the rodents running between the aisles and playing football with peanut M & M’s and mint imperials.

While the council’s food safety team found the assorted candies Pick n Mix section riddled with overweight mice that had suffered diabetic strokes and croaked, the actual Cheese counter and shelves had been decimated of all actual bung products – apart from the silicon rubber Daft Cheese Slices.

Oddly enough the food-free Domestic Appliances aisles had also become infested with the furry rodents – who had managed to rig one digital stereo player into repeat mode and loaded a nursery rhymes CD with ‘Three Blind Mice’ blasting out at full pitch 24/7.

Another first that amazed vermin control operatives from Ratstampers_R_Us was the fact the mice had chewed the corks out of hundreds of wine bottles stacked horizontally on the Alcoholic Beverages shelves.
Jack McSlug, a former tomcat strangler, told the media “I’ve never seen so many pissed-up mice in all me life. We was just picking em up and dumping em in a bin of Pestco’s ‘Finest’ quicklime.”

While the Pukesburys chain, and too Mamon & Snobfords might well laugh at their main competitor’s current misfortune, they should exercise prudence and not snigger in public lest their past food hygiene failings are reminisced – such as the anarchistic Pukesburys food preparation employee who suffered from bulimarexia and habitually threw up in vegetable salad tubs for a bit of a giggle.

This disgusting act was only surpassed by the Mamon & Snobfords case where one male worker employed on night shift was caught by a CCTV camera masturbating into tubs of their ‘Gourmet’ thick Greek yoghourt.

Such is reminiscent of the scandalous case at the Scumdale Hamlets branch of the Grotty Grocer chain back in 2007 when cartons of their Snap, Crunch and Ping breakfast cereal were discovered to be full of desiccated cockroaches who had feasted on the hi-carb’ contents then snuffed it.

Oddly enough customers later complained that the crunchy roaches tasted better than the original product.

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