NATO Start to Take Afghan War Seriously

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill - providing additional proof that this is the month of the Mad March Hare.

Burger bars and pizza joints infesting the NATO bases across Afghanistan like swarms of festering vermin are being closed down faster than a rat out of an aquaduct in an effort to increase efficiency across the battlefields by getting the fat-arsed troops off junk food and back on healthy K-rations.

NATO spokesman WO Billy Bob Redneck informed the ‘Haute Cuisine’ page columnist from the Warmongers Gazette that "amenities" at bases across the country are being phased out for logistical as well as tactical reasons.
“Hellfire, we got more shit comin’ in here fer the fast food franchises than we got weapons an’ ammo' an’ body bags – an’ they’re usin’ more electricity an' water than we can generate.”

“Plus there’s more Afghanis than enough mannin’ the junk tucker joints so ya jest don’t know how many Taliban moles an’ Fifth Columnist Jolly Jihadis wearin’ Semtex vests or crotch bombs is in here jest ready ter take a shot at us – or poison the guys’ pizza rations.”

NATO's top Afghanistan commander, General Ghengis McTwatt, made it clear last year that the days of the Burger King and Pizza Hut chew n spew outlets on ISAF bases were numbered.

He expressed concern that burger bars, pizza restaurants, sex toy stores and Happy Ending Rub n Tug massage parlours in the sprawling International Security Assistance Force bases at Kandahar, Bagram and Mazar-e-Sharif served as a distraction to the main military mission – which has always been – then and now - to safeguard the gas pipeline and the poppy fields / opium crops.

"For several months now we have been in the process of bringing in President O’Barmy’s 39,000 extra ‘Surge’ troops to join up with the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and 18th Window Lickers Brigade – plus scores of technical trainers to mentor the Afghan Army’s elite Special Forces 27th Sodomites Battalion.”

“Hence we need the space these private enterprises are utilising before we launch the Stage 2 Shock n Awe push of Operation Mishmash and Operation Clusterfuck against the Taliban forces entrenched in caves around the Twat-al-Dork region of Bellend Province.”

“Anyways I don’t like our guys eating this shite junk food on a daily basis while they’re in barracks – plus how many casualties have we encountered from them being out on patrol and calling up Pizza Hut or McD’s for a platoon-sized field delivery of Big Mick’s and fries and large Cokes – then the Taliban triangulate their position from the cellphone calls and put a mortar round on top of ‘em. Plus the stupid kid on the McD’s 50cc Honda delivery bike hits a land mine and ends up like minced dogmeat.”

Staff Sergeant Fellattia van der Gobble, head of the Bagram base’s HSE Team told Fux News “Apart from the logistics aspect we’ve grave concerns over hygiene and sanitation with the local Afghan staff working in the fast food joints.”
“Seriously, we did a snap inspection at Achmed’s Fubar Burger King last week and never in my entire career have I seen a kitchen so effing gross and filthy that even the cockroaches and rats come out spewing.”
“Same deal at the Dairy Queen outlet where we discovered one of the male store staff on night shift masturbating in the Blizzard sundaes for a bit of a laugh.”

"This is a war zone, not an amusement park. We need to get the troops refocused or we’re going to get our arses trashed again – same as Vietnam.”
“So no more chew n spew fast food shacks, no more Frisky Fatima’s sucky-fucky massage salons, no more cheap whore houses and pole dancing strip joints with see-though burkahs.”

Are you stationed at one of NATO’s SNAFU bases in Afghanistan? How do you feel about the closure of the chew n spew joints? Did you ever eat one of the Dairy Queen Blizzard’s? How did it taste? Did you get to shake hands with Prince Charles last week? Are those his real ears?

Send your comments using the online post form below and you could win an all-expenses paid two weeks vacation in your own en suite cave at Tora Bora’s Jolly Jihad Mountain Resort.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.

Thought for the day: If the Taliban shit in the oven at Bagram’s Pizza Hut will it be classed as extra-toppings? Is the white stuff on McD’s Big Mick burgers really mayonnaise?