Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Scots Promote Suicide Tours of Afghanistan

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

A Scottish company, Idiotic Tours SA, is promoting Afghanistan as a thriving adventure tourism destination.

The Numptyshire-based firm was set up to provide information to mountaineers, trekkers, wannabee mercenaries, career self-harmers and potential hard core suicide cases who want to visit the war-ravaged basket case shithole of a country and collect on their insurance policies – or have a very nasty accident.

Idiotic Tours CEO Ghengis McTwat, a reformed rhubarb addict turned tortoise juggler, told a reporter from the Seppuku Gazette the area known as the Whackedout Corridor was widely regarded as the safest part of the country – with only a recorded 1,685 violence-related fatalities occurring over the last six months.

Veritable hordes of international climbers once sought out the high pavilions of Afghanistan until the Soviets invaded in 1979 and started using them for target practice as they scaled the slopes.

Mr McTwat who completed his basic training in the British Army at Deepcut Barracks without getting fatally injured or murdered, informed Fux News he had started Idiotic Tours as a bit of a laugh and to provide a nice little earner for people through their travel insurance claims and personal injury lawyers.

McTwat’s last vacation-related venture was to run ‘hop, step and jump’ trekking tours along the famous Pol Pot Trail mine fields of Cambodia – however a bevy of accidents and compensation claims left him without a leg to stand on.

He told the BBC’s Haggis Stompers news website that Afghanistan was going to be a prime holiday location once the Taliban had kicked the NATO troops and Slackwater / XE homicidal maniacs out of the country, lynched President Hamid Kami-Karzai and re-imposed the rule of Sharia Law.

“Just look at some of the bargains you can get on accommodation at one of the country’s chain of Jolly Jihad Travel Lodges – a mud hut with a bed and its own well for twenty Afghanis a night – and as much duty-free opium as you can smoke.”
“Really, just experience the "incredible Muslim hospitality" afforded to guests by villagers once you’ve been kidnapped and are waiting on the ransom being paid.”
“Now, you tell me – can you get a deal like that with Thomas Cook or Thompson Tours?”

Have you been affected by the issues raised in this story? Would you visit Afghanistan for a holiday or opt out for two weeks of psychiatric therapy?
Do you have any experience with Sharia Law courts? How would your missus look in a burkha? What did you think of Taliban Dan’s latest hit single?

Send your answers using the online post form below.

A selection of your comments may be published, displaying your name and address so one of our Predator drones can fly over your gaff and drop a tactical cluster munitions bomb on it.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange declaration: No Afghani civilians or schoolchildren were accidentally killed in posting this message. However, a large number of belligerent US military types were temporarily pissed right off.

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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