Government Push DIY NHS Care Plans

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill.

In a report just leaked by whistle-blowing moles operating deep within the festering bowels of the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money’s think tank - Skim_Scams - 30,000 hospital beds across the UK should be axed to cut costs and improve care.

Head of Skim_Scams’ social engineering department Dr. Chlamydia Twatrot told one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that the National Ill-Health Service’s focus should move away from hospital treatment as more people now suffer from adverse lifestyle afflictions such as haemorrhaging haemorrhoids and cirrhosis of liver, which can be quite easily treated at home – and that a quarter of beds could be axed to fund more personalised treatment – and sell off valuable hospital lands to developers.

“If we have 10 doctors, 50 nurses and 500 beds then its 1 quack and 5 nurses per 50 patients but if we only have 30 beds then we can fire 75% of the nurses and still improve the level of care manning with what’s left over and coerce them into working for half the salary.”

Dr. Twatrot continued “Good God, if people watched ‘ER’ and ‘House’ and paid more attention to what was going on instead of skipping channels to see what crap’s bringing in the money on Cash in the Attic then they’d know what to do to suture up little Johnnie’s lacerations when he comes a cropper on his skateboard – and diagnose what’s wrong with Granny and set up her own in-house dialysis system. Just grab a free copy of ‘Surgery for Dummies’ from your nearest GP’s medical centre – it’s all in there.”

“Really, if they’ve got the slightest modicum of common sense simply Google the problem if your loved ones start having strokes or heart attacks – or epileptic fits. There’s no need to go calling for ambulances and clogging up the NHS’s A & E centres.”

“All this information’s available on the internet – especially the NHS Trust website – everything the layman needs to know about angioplasty procedures, and all the equipments and medications are available from your local pharmacies – or B & Q - even down to DIY chemotherapy.”

"Health systems across the entire EUSSR community are gearing up to shift care out of hospitals and into the community. Just look at what your local Greedy Grocer supermarket chain has to offer on discount surgical procedures – and no boring NHS waiting times if you’re paying on a store card – plus think of all the loyalty points you’ll get for a cardiac triple bypass.”

Quantum leap medical advances have meant patients no longer need to spend weeks in hospitals following surgery, thus those old fashioned days of ‘lying in’ and long ‘costly’ convalescent periods of enforced idleness are ‘sadly’ gone.

For example, brain tumour surgery used to require a patient spending a week immobile in hospital – usually due being unconscious. Now it is done in 20 minutes in an outpatients’ clinic and you can drive home straight after the bleeding stops.

Indeed, the rise in surgical procedures where the patient returns home a couple of hours later have been staggering. There are now over 2000 different operations that can be done on a day care basis compared to only a mere handful 500 years ago.

Consider the War of the Roses, where a simple arrow wound or battle axe slash would mean a three week stay in St Bartholomew’s Hospital, involving lots of screaming, leeches and hot pitch – whereas today you can report to the out-patients department of your nearest Pestco supermarket or Boots Chemist at 09:00 hours, have a double kidney transplant and still be playing squash at the local leisure centre straight after lunch.

Allergy warning : This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of untruths, modest porkies and mis-spoken references.