Thursday, 4 March 2010

Princess Anne Terrifies the Taliban

Annie Phillips, the equine-faced Princess Royal, has made a surprise visit to British troops in Afghanistan on her way back from pony trekking across the Hindu Kush with guides from the British Army’s ‘18th Sepoy Light Body Bag Regiment’.

Princess Anne, who was accompanied by her customary rabid pack of kiddie-ripping English bull terriers – spent a couple of hours assisting the NATO troops ferreting out Taliban stragglers from their deep cave hideouts around Marjah in Bellend Province.

Sgt. Jack Snott from the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment told a reporter from the Warmongers Gazette “The Princess woz just great – she loosed her pack of bull terriers led by the famous Potty Dotty and the Taliban shit proverbial kittens – running out of their mountain cave strongholds wiv hands held high and screaming “Allah save us from this infidel harpy bitch!”

“Wot a woman – kitted out in a Kevlar burkha an’ armed wiv her ridin’ crop – an’ those massive teeth too. Wish I woz an effin’ horse so she could ride me.”

Conversely critical reports of war crimes have been filed with the Red Cross in Kabul following Princess Anne’s little skirmish – concerning the deaths of several Taliban combatants who had thrown down their weapons but were subsequently savaged by the rat-snouted bull terrier pack leader Potty Dotty – as Anne sat on her fat arse wholly unconcerned - exchanging text messages concerning an order of fish fingers for this weekend’s homecoming banquet with her Gatcombe Park estate homicidal chef – the psychopathic Steffan Pissheadsky.

Anne later informed Rutger Fuctifino, the Afghan-based Red Cross chief, that Potty the pit bull was a good natured dog "lacking in malice – and had simply acted in self-defence when the Taliban scallies had tried to fend her off with kicks from their steel toe-capped combat sandals.

However this is not the first occasion that Potty Dottyhas been the centre of controversy’s limelight. Anne was convicted of serious offences under the Dangerous Bow-Wow’s Act 1991 after Potty attacked two small bite-sized children in Great Windsor Park after apparently mistaking them for its lunch.

Potty Dotty further blotted its proverbial good behaviour copybook when accompanying the bat-eared Princess to Sandringham one Christmas and decided to rip the Queen’s oldest and dearest pet Welsh corgi - ‘Taffy Bach’ - to ribbons for a bit of a doggy giggle.

Rumour has it that fast acting security guards were able to salvage enough of the shredded corgi to justify an official funeral – and when a severely distraught and inconsolable Queen Liz was asked if she wanted them to put Potty Dotty ‘down’ she responded with “You can shoot the mongrel dog and Princess Horseface for all I care.”

Adding insult to further injury Potty Dotty sealed her fate the following week by savaging one of Princess Anne’s maids at Gatcombe Park, severing her leg at the knee – since when the dog had been muzzled and confined to its garden kennel undergoing a course of ‘behavioural retraining’ expedited by a qualified ‘pooch psychiatrist’ - armed with a cattle prod and a baseball bat.

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