Monday, 10 October 2011

Who U Gonna Call - 101 or 999?

Inspector Candida Titwank of the UK’s Metropolitan Plod Squad Authority, this morning clarified for a confused British public the intended use of the all-new 101 non-emergency call centre number – the introduction of which is part of a nation-wide drive to reduce pressure on the 999 service.

“Okay, if a burglar breaks into your house and stabs you, then for God’s sake get straight on the phone and dial 999 for police assistance and an ambulance.”

“However, as per the current trend with break-ins, if you and the burglar go head to head and you end up stabbing him to death with his own knife, then simply put the kettle on, wash your hands and dial 101 to report the incident – and your local Cop Shop will send a couple of plods round the next day to take a statement and body bag the corpse.”

“Our officers do prefer you to leave the body where it fell, but if it’s making a mess on the carpet – bloodstains, vomit, or other death throes excretions etcetera - then there’s no problem with dragging it outside and prop it up between your wheelie bins.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: