Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
Bhutan's King Jigsaw Kitbag Wankchucker yesterday married his commoner bride in a lavish ceremony at the Pingpong Shitawaterat monastic fortress in the Himalayan postage stamp realm.
Observing the strict Buddhist rituals and time-honoured traditions of royal weddings in the alpine kingdom, at the conclusion of the elaborate ceremony the Monarch came down from his throne to slip the full and erect length of his regal manhood into the mouth of the kneeling 21-year-old student Miss Jisum Titwank Gamarouche, with the monks chanting to celebrate as she deep-throated her intended while alternately ticking his scrotum and fingering his prostate, until he achieved orgasm with a roar and she swallowed a full load without gagging a single time.
Ms Gamarouche was chosen as the royal bride over hundreds of other aspiring ‘queens’ following a stringent selection process that dates back to the time of King Bumiputra Kitbag Wankchucker the First, the 8th century AD founder of the lofty kingdom in the clouds of Heaven.
The future queen succeeded where other failed to make the grade – a true three-holer with the ability to rip the cap off a bottle of Red Panda beer with her vaginal muscles – then spit the said cap out the full length of a King-sized bed.
The wedding celebrations, which were broadcast live on the nation’s innovative clockwork television system, began at 08:20 hours local time - a moment deemed auspicious by the royal astrologers, who have collectively conspired to keep the basket case kingdom enmeshed in a cloak of suffocating superstition since time immemorial.
The king wore his ceremonial Man’ United 2011 season shirt with a traditional Bhutanese symbol of a donkey's head embroidered on the back, and handed an array of brightly-coloured lingerie to his bride – which included peep-hole bra, suspenders, fishnet stockings, crotchless panties and an Alpha Dominatrix style black sharkskin bustier - plus a leather cock flogger.
The royal couple were also presented with a series of gifts from guests, symbolising longevity, wisdom and other dubious attributes – a Blu-Ray DVD player; the latest model X-Box; a set of His n Hers jackrabbit vibrator and prostate massager butt plug; plus a copy of the ‘Best of Match of the Day 2010’.
A personal Wal-Mart gift pack from the new Queen, Jisum Titwank to her hubby comprised a large tube of KY Jelly, two packs of Viagra 100 mg, a Takin-fleece jock strap, a genuine gold-plated Zulu vuvuleza; and a South African pirate DVD copy of ‘England: How to Lose the World Cup’ – the unabridged 2010 edition with shots of Wayne ‘Scouse Twat’ Rooney falling over his own feet several times.
Following the formal ceremony, singers recited celebratory songs as drums were beaten and ceremonial trumpets sounded to frighten off the scores of Chinese spies hiding in the surrounding hills – after which the wedding party made the short journey to the capital Thimpu, where a lavish banquet awaited them at Happy Wong’s Yak Burger chew n spew outlet.
Remarkably there were no visiting heads of states, foreign royals or celebrities at the wedding, which was in the main attended by Bhutan's royal family – (apart from the late ‘uninvited’ arrival of U2 frontman Bono and Lady Gaga parachuting in to make a total self-promoting photo-op’ nuisance of themselves).
"The whole theme of the wedding was to keep foreign honkey trash out and make it a simple family affair," Bogroll Ratflinger, Bhutan's Chief Minister for Hypobaropathy, informed the CCN office in Kathmandu via a relay system of semaphore, smoke signals and man with forked stick bearing messages.
“It takes weeks to get up here from anywhere remotely civilised with airport facilities due all the mountain passes being snowed in twelve months of the year. And that’s the way we like it, far from the maddened crowd, with people coming round knocking on your door trying to sell you mobile phones and life insurance.”
"This is how we maintain the pristine state of our sacred Gross National Happiness index - which measures personal and spiritual contentment as opposed to economic growth and materialistic acquisitiveness. Now go and sell that concept to your bankster scumbags on Wall Street.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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