EUSSR Jobsworths Ban Balloons

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what has got to be the most stupid piece of legislation to be passed since the last stupid piece of legislation, the dystopic EUSSR’s Brussels-based killjoys and jobsworths, who have been collectively brainwashed into performing risk assessments before they take a crap, have now, in their infinite idiocy, issued a ban on party toys.

The revelation comes as Posh Dave Scameron’s Libservative Coalition faces mounting pressure to relieve UK businesses from the throttling grip of the truck-loads of health and safety legislation being conjured up at an ever-increasing geometric rate by morons in Brussels and finally stage the long-overdue one-off ‘yes or no’ / ‘in or out’ referendum on Britain’s continued membership of the doomed EUSSR community.

The Brussels bureaucrats' verboden toy list includes Xmas stocking fillers and kiddie’s party favourites such as scroll-type screechers, balloons, poppers, streamers, Freddie Kruger 'Maniac Manicure' mitts, mini-vuvulezas, magnetic fishing games, toy lipsticks, replica mini-Uzis, whistles, recorders, itching powder and imitation dog turds being among those deemed too dangerous for use by anyone under the age of 25 as they don’t conform to the EUSSR’s latest set of moronic regulations.

Within the coming year, scratch and sniff toys such as the fishy-smelling Lots-O’-Hugging’ Candida the Mermaid, featured in 'Toy Story 4' and 'Eating Elmo', will also be banned due the toxic chemical essence of rotting kippers being used to create that special undersea ‘feminine crotch fragrance’.

The gospel according to the stringent regulations that form part of the EUSSR’s all-new Toy Safety Directive, which has just come into force, children under the age of eighteen are no longer allowed to blow up balloons, unless they’re supervised by a qualified adult in possession of an NVQ1 Diploma covering Practical Inflation Sciences – which further licenses them to blow up bike tyres, condoms and minor swimming aids.

All cuddly teddies and soft toys for children under the age of 16 must be fully sanforized and washable at a temperature of 100 degrees Centigrade to prevent the spread of HIV, scabies, galloping psoriasis and Legionnaire’s Disease - with idiotic limits imposed on the decibel levels of how noisy toys such as trumpets, drum kits - including babies’ rattles – and asininely enough – fireworks - are permitted to be.

The all-time ‘Copy Daddy’ toy replica favourites of DIY and gardening tools such as mini chain saws, blowlamps, secateurs, electric hedge trimmers and nail guns are henceforth right out – especially so since 7-year old Feryl Beryl McSkanger of Old Scrotum accidentally decapitated her Grandmother with a strimmer while helping Grand-dad with the gardening.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.