Thursday, 20 October 2011

Council Bin Laws go Totally Bonkers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Despite yet another broken Libservative Coalition promise to impose a ban on the intrusive practice adopted by local authority jobsworths and community enforcement morons of rooting through wheelie bins and penalising householders whose recycling efforts fell short of the mandated 100% efficiency, the Big Brother panopticon surveillance society dustbin searches have actually doubled since 2010 – with council’s snitch and grasser squads snooping through the garbage of 30,000 families nationwide in search of fault.

In an effort to statistically prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the British local governments have gone totally raving bonkers concerning Zen and the Art of Recycling, the multi-coloured bins catering for Rubbish with a capital R, Garbage with a capital G, and Shit with a capital S, are now designated as grey for regular kitchen crap and food scraps; green for garden waste; blue for paper and carboard; black for bottles – both plastic and glass; brown for dead pets and unwanted roadkill; red for aborted foetuses, gangrenous limbs, knotted condoms and used jamrags - and bright yellow for radioactive waste, unexploded IEDs, defunct solar panels and shagged out laptops.

Further, to add to the above insanity, and just to confuse the fuck out of everyone and their dog, the contents of these seven receptacles will henceforth fall into thirteen main categories and fifty-two sub-categories of waste – we shit you not.

The gospel according to a report obtained by the Daily Shitraker via a Freedom of Information Act request revealed that council snoopers went through the wheelie bins of more than 30,000 families in England and Welsh Wales during the 2010-2011 period.

However, on a most sinister note the council inspectors, seconded from Renta-Snoop, are building up a disturbingly detailed profile of families’ lives by rifling through their discarded crap.
While councils claim this is to facilitate future recycling efforts via leafleting campaigns, civil rights campaigners fear the data will end up on a centralised national database and come under the scrutinising eyes of police, health and social services – and the Kafkaesque EUSSR bureaucrats in Brussels.

Baz McSkanger, director of the privacy and civil liberties campaign group Big Brother Watch, opined to one press hack from the Totalitarian Review that ‘Councils need ter come clean wiv wot the fuck the’re doin’ wiv the results of these effin’ surveys. Yer got these dodgy fascist twats checkin’ all the Greedy Grocer supermarket labels, like wot yer get from Pestco an’ Pukesbury’s an’ Mammon an’ Snobfords – an’ wot kind of tucker yer bin chuckin’ out – an’ readin’ yer dumped mail ter see who the fuck’s writin’ to yer – just like that Benji ‘the Binman’ Pell character wot goes moochin’ through celebrity garbage lookin’ fer scandal material.”

“Then yer got families from Stench Hill in Manchester wot had the shit in their wheelie bins catalogued an’ then they woz classed as bein’ in Municipal Dependency cos they live on fuckin’ big council estates, watchin’ a lot of telly an’ havin’ eff’ all incomes cos they’re on welfare an’ got as much ambition in betterin’ their lot in life as a goldfish has.”

“But wot pisses me right off is the efin’ fact that all the rich twats wot’s livin’ round Wilmslow an’ Alderly Edge getting’ their arses classed as bein’ in Suburban Comfort cos they chuck out stale caviar an’ empty magnums of Krug and £100 quid empty bottles of port.
We’re payin’ our council tax so we expect ter have our bins emptied – not fer the money ter be wasted on payin’ some snoopin’ twats ter go rootin’ through our garbage an’ writin’ out a report on wot the fuck’s inside ‘em.”

Since getting into office last year Communities Secretary Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Prickles has already banned councils from fining families who inadvertently put rubbish in the wrong bin, with a source close to the man himself confiding to media reporters, on a promise that they didn’t tell more than a dozen, that he was vehemently opposed to councils secretly rifling through people’s bins as a matter of principle as it isn’t something nice people should be stooping to do in Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society Utopia.

In 2010 a total of 40 local authorities in England either carried out their own ‘rooting’ surveys or commissioned seedy snoops to do their dirty work them – employing Big Brother tactics copied straight out of the Nazi Gestapo or Soviet Stasi handbooks to spy on hapless householders with alarming frequency - and for ever more spurious reasons.

Thought for the day: For all their pedantic Big Bother bullshit, 90% of the crap collected by individual recycling trucks is piled together at the local tip, hydraulically compacted into containers, then shipped out as a right mess of pottage and dumped on some hapless West African coastline for the local population to scavvy through and recycle – and get poisoned by.

So, welcome to the ‘Big Society’ – sit back and enjoy your ‘Council Experience’.

On a closing note of sarcasm, have the council snoops yet discovered the enigmatic location of the bin that Rin-Tin-Tin shit in?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Tony said...

You're a star Rusty, the colour designated list of items bit had me pissing myself!