Tuesday, 25 October 2011

MUFC Enter Annals of Infamy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Following Man United’s six goals to one scandalous Premier League defeat by their historic arch-opponents - Man’ City’s boys in blue - last Sunday on their home ground’s hallowed turf, the local undertakers have been doing a roaring trade due the cult-like suicide pact autos-da-fé committed by fans unable to face the spectre of humiliation and goading when they turned up for work on Monday morning - or went for a post-match pint to drown their sorrows down the local pub.

Spontaneous self-destructive acts of martyrdom and ritual seppuku were triggered as the final whistle blew, with several fans garrotting themselves with their scarves, while others resorted to venting their frustrations and ignominy by ripping their own heads off. A legion used borrowed angle grinders to remove their stigmatic MUFC tattoos then disembowelling themselves with the razor sharp edge of their season tickets - while one supporter doused himself with the contents of his hip flask then struck a match and self-immolated – setting fire to the stands in the process.

Thousands of MUFC supporters, heads hung in shame, marched from the Old Trafford ground in a virtual funeral procession along Chester Road through Stretford and up the hard shoulder of the M60, to the centre span of Barton Bridge, then divested their once-iconic Nike / AON red shirts before hurling themselves en mass, lemming-fashion, into the murky and chilling toxic depths of the Manchester Ship canal 30 meters below.

Rumours that one Executive Club group of irate VIP fans who lost a bundle in ‘to win’ wagers placed on the match with Flatbrokes, the UK’s ubiquitous High Street bookies, have put out contracts on several of the overpaid £150,000 quid per week Man United prima donnas – with mega-bucks bounties placed on the heads of manager Alex ‘Incompetence’ Ferguson and centre-back Rio 'Two Left Feet' Ferdinand – still remain unsubstantiated as of going to press.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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