Friday, 7 October 2011

Greedy Grocers to Stock Legal Beagles

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK's numpty Libservative Coalition government have decided, in their infinite stupidity, that supermarkets are to be commissioned to sell consumer legal services in England and Wales following a drastic change in the civic law statutes – that many critics have pointed the fickle finger of fate at, claiming it as an ill-boded scheme.

Conversely, Tory Justice Secretary Ken ‘Dimples’ Clark and Home Secretary Theresa Maybe, speaking to press hacks at the Conservative Party Conference in manky Manchester – (in between public bouts of scratching each others eyes out concerning the number of cats prospective asylum seekers should own to avoid deportation) – announced that the new Legal Services Act will offer more choice and better value for the hapless public.

Clark explained “If you’ve been unlucky enough to get copped with a couple of hundred kilos of snort on your yacht by customs after a sail around the Caribbean – or get collared for soccer match-fixing like Wayne Looney’s old feller - they you’re definitely going to need the services of a £500 quid per hour top-class QC.”
“However, if it’s only a matter of being nabbed for doing a spot of burglary - or three times over the limit while driving, then folks will be able to pop down to one of their local Greedy Grocer supermarket chain branches and get some spiffing good value for money legal advice and representation.”

“You’ll see Pukesburys, Shiteland, and Pestco trying to cut each other’s throats with the usual cut-price and ‘buy one-get one free’ deals, whereas the typical upper class Mammon & Snobfords will doubtless be fielding more top notch barristers than solicitors and conveyance clerks.”
“All we’ve got to watch out for and regulate in the early days of this scheme is shifty sods like Pestco assigning customers who have a bit of a bail problem with one of their ‘Finest’ product line QC Silks to represent their case, when one of the Pestco ‘Value’ Albanian pikey solicitors with an NVQ1 Diploma in Barrack Room Law can do the job for a tenth of a barrister’s fee. Well, and why not too. Every little helps, as the saying goes.”

Conversely Bazzer McSkanger, the director of the civil liberties charity Ox-Rat, opined to the media “This so-called ‘Pestco Law’ is gonna turn out a bag of old cobblers. How the fuck is some clot of a cashier on a Greedy Grocer check-out counter gonna be able ter determine who’s eligible fer legal aid an’ who’s not? I mean, are yer gonna be able ter pay fer a solicitor wiv yer effin’ Nectar points?”

“Fer fuck’s sake, they made a right bollocks of ever allowin’ supermarkets ter start doin’ eye tests an’ floggin’ glasses ter customers – an’ doin’ the country’s qualified opticians outa an effin’ job. So wot the fuck are the Greedy Grocer chains plannin’ on doin’ next on the cheap, I asks yer? Cosmetic surgery an’ tattoo removals – or ‘liposuction-while-yer-wait’ fer fatties on Aisle 12 – right next ter the Deli’ counter?”

Thought for the day: Would you buy a used barrister from Pestco or Pukesburys?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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