Cat-Burgling MP’s Ex Gets Jail

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The wife of a Librarian-Dummercrat MP has been slapped with a twelve month hard labour jail sentence – on a chain gang in Dartmoor’s Marmite bogs - for stealing a manky moggy from the home of one of her adulterous spouse's motley collection of renta-fuck three-hole concubines.

Christine Lemming, 69, whose ponce of a husband, John ‘Six Chins’ Lemming, is the incumbent Lib-Dum MP for Smegmashire’s twinned Dogger’s Wood / Slutt’s Common constituency, was found guilty at Rutting Downs Crown Court of aggravated cat burglary last Friday.

Her fervent protestations of innocence and denials of guilt notwithstanding, Mrs Lemming was captured on CCTV footage removing Tiddles, the cat in question, from the Slutt’s Common home of her husband’s current paramour, Candida McSkank, on the 29th September last year.

Defending, Ms Sue Fleecem QC, of Upshot, Bagrot and Shitpot, told the court that Lemming pleaded not guilty to the actual burglary charge as she had no clear recollection of removing the cat from the house on Strumpet Street – possibly due omitting to take her prescribed medication and being extremely stressed out at the time owing to a chronic intravenous high octane cappuccino addiction - and her errant husband pissing off with yet another slapper with the moral standards of a sewer rat.

The court was further provided with a psychological evaluation and medical evidence of the accused being a woman of quite limited intellect who often encountered grievous memory problems associated with wiping her own arse and spelling her name correctly - and had suffered from a chronic case of Galloping Kleptomania since childhood.

Lemming stated for the record that she had gone round to the McSkank household to deliver a bundle of her husband’s mail, discovered the front door ajar and wandered inside – a fact supported by the CCTV footage – but had no recollection of carrying a 5 gallon jerry can of petrol with her and a pick axe shaft - nor of stealing the cat from the home of her priapic husband's nympho trollop – claiming she was stressed and had reached the end of her tether and quite possibly suffered a severe and protracted ‘blonde moment’ – regardless of being a brunette.

Over the duration of the three-day trial, the court heard how Mr Lemming and his wife had been involved in a complicated love triangle with Ms McSkank, who at the time of their first meeting, worked as a ‘rub and tug’ therapist at the town’s Happy Ending massage salon.

Mrs Lemming informed the court "It was an extremely stressful time for me as any woman in the same ‘reverse cuckold’ situation will realise – with my cunt of a husband unable keep his cock in his pants for more than two minutes at a time and off on yet another of his Viagra-fuelled rampant sexual escapades - and apt to shag anything with a hole.”

To emphasise this factor, defence attorney Ms Fleecem submitted a copy of the results of a Sunday Shitraker competition for Love Twat of the Year 2005 – in which Mr Lemming was awarded a joint first place with Latino crooner, Tony Berlusconi – brother of notorious under-age whore-monger and part-time Italian PM, Silvio Berlusconi.

Under cross-examination, Mrs Lemming revealed in one of her infrequent periods of lucidity that "I didn't realise the fucking cat was with me until I returned home and there it was in the back of the car. I simply assumed it had followed me out and jumped through the open window."

Lemming claimed to have driven back to Strumpet Street and put Tiddles over the garden fence of Ms McSkank’s next door neighbour - thinking the cat would find its way home – and denied accusations of stitching Tiddles inside a Pestco Greedy Grocer ‘Bag for Life’ along with three house bricks and dropping it into the canal that night – the same type of bag that was fished out of the Scumwater Canal by a locks operator later that week – containing the body of a drowned cat which the local Plod Squad identified as the missing tonk by the sub-dermal Verison microchip embedded in its neck.

Cornered by gutter press hacks after the trial, Mr Hemming, speaking in his own defence against public accusations of being the progenitor of the entire clusterfuck and unfit to act as an MP, opined that "I really don't think the stupid common herd vote for members of Parliament on their abilities to be role models of moral rectitude” - and denied reports he’d been ‘intimate’ with 26 mistresses while he was married – stating “That's not actually true – it’s closer to 35 – not including the short time pikey whores I’ve shagged from our local traveller’s camp site.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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