Retail Guru Portas in Need of Mirror

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The ginger mingin ‘self-appointed’ retail guru of the known Universe, Miss Mary Portarse, has personally dispatched a ‘very sorry’ form letter to the four women in Cabbage Patch Dave Scameron's Millionaire’s Cabinet that she recently had the gall to insult the shit out of with her politically incorrect comments – referring to them collectively as an "ugly bunch of cunts" in need of a makeover by Wimpeys Botox division or Bechtel Construction’s cosmetics department - with the dress sense of a pikey tramp.

The rangga bitch claims her comments to Sluts magazine were the result of a perverted and sick sense of humour, and not intended to bash women, according to a statement of self-admonishment she made post-facto to one press hack from the Scandalmongers Gazette.

Portarse, Downing Street's car boot sales adviser, admitted she did not even know who the women in the cabinet were and must have had her ‘nasty hangover head’ on that morning.
“I mean ter say, I just can’t effin’ help it – summat comes inter me stupid skull an’ I forget ter engage me fuckin’ brain before openin’ me mouth. Okay, so I'm very candid an’ straightforward an’ all that good stuff, but me big gob’s always gettin’ me inter seven kinds of shit.”

Speaking to a press hack from the Payback Review, Tory cabinet member Baroness Seedy Warthog said it was wrong to judge women on their fashion sense alone, as had Ms Portarse.
“This woman needs to take a long look at herself before passing disparaging comments on another person’s appearance. Really, doesn’t she own a mirror to check out her own grottiness? Those eyes, like pissholes in the snow – or a huskie’s shitter – surrounded with crow’s feet.”
“Then we have that burst tyre of a mouth and suck and spit lips - with the trademark scarlet lipstick – concealing those piranha gnashers. Ugh, her habitual Cheshire cat shit-eating grin besides, I’ve never seen anyone with such fucked up dentistry that enabled them to eat an apple through a tennis racket – apart from a conger eel.”

Portarse, who is currently appearing in a TV series, Mary Queen of Sluts, took the opportunity last spring to ensure her name never makes it to the Queen’s New Year or Birthday Honours lists by referring to Prince Chazzer’s wife - Gorgonzilla, the Duchess of Cornhole, as a chain-smoking troll with more fissures on her mug than the north face of the Eiger.

Following a commoner’s education at the St Joan of Arc Catholic School for Latter Day Slappers in Dickmansworth, Portarse kick-started her career in retail with a Saturday job at her local Oxfam shop, sorting out the second-hand woolies. She then had a part-time position with Harrods, where she was responsible for replacing the batteries in Pharaoh Mohamed al Fayed’s personal collection of vibrating sex toys - before joining SlopShop as a window dresser’s mate – where one of her most famous displays was of mocked-up pop bands, including Gary Glitter butt-fucking a Vietnamese choir boy.

Since her monumental faux pas concerning the cabinet ministers, Portarse has been receiving barrages of hate mail, branding her as Witchipoo-features and ‘a cunt in cunt’s clothing’.
In her defence she countered "Wot I think is that female politicians work in an entrenched male dominated sphere, but they don’t need ter dress like blokes. Just look at the Home Secretary Theresa Maybe - she's not a bad-lookin’ woman - apart from her effin’ face – but she dresses in that pin stripe suit wiv the flyhole at the front of her pants like she’s got a cock – just ter emulate her male bosses.”

“Then yer got that Health Minister cow with the punk haircut, Anne ‘Monkey Girl’ Milton – what a scarecrow that is. I mean ter say, does her husband actually fuck her? Ye Gods, the sight of that three-bagger naked would put most blokes off wankin’.”

Environment Secretary Caroline Spellbound was described, quite hypocritically, as a ginger-mingin skanger with the dress sense of Granny Clampett in her two-piece knit suits and pearls; while Welsh Secretary Cheryl Gillan copped for “Miss Blonde Moment, with more double chins than a Toby jug, who waddles along like she’s got a leek shoved up her bum”.

Portarse, after enduring 14 years of heterosexual marriage, dumped her hapless hubby Graham, and went off on a lifestyle make-over rug-munching adventure - and now lives with her raving dyke civil partner, Geodermiche magazine fashion features editor Mingeeter Dildodo, in Sappho Park, Maida Vale.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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