Holiday Suntan Promo Labelled ‘Racist’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

An internet ‘pissing’ competition being staged by a group of travel agencies encouraging people to submit images of their intense sunburns for profit, has been branded as totally irresponsible by the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA).

Apparently the travel comparison website ‘scamchecker.com’ circulated a moronic "Earn with your Burn" promotional e-mail in July. Their advert included pictures of heavily suntanned tourists who had signed up for their recommended holiday destinations and offered a prize of a full course of chemotherapy at a cancer clinic of their choice for anyone returning home with cases of advanced melanoma.

Next to jump on the sunburn ad’s bandwagon were Thomas Crook and high-end rival Tithead Travel with their respective ‘Like-a-Lobster’ and ‘Zulu-Look’ promo’ deals – offering prospective tourists who signed up for tropical destination holidays with a pledged 50% discount on their 2012 vacations if they achieved maximum depths of UVA burn that penetrated the epidermis to the bone and left them with a residual tan line that survived the British winter (typically October through June).

However the ASA condemned the promotional rivalry as wholly irresponsible and setting a precedent that could well lead to trivialising the negative medical effects of sunbathing after one solar worshipping tourist customer of Tithead Travel’s was transformed into a gigantic crispy scab after a day lounging around the beach on Spain’s Costa del Crapp coast, liberally coated with ‘Easy-Fry’ cooking spray.

While the ASA involvement and concerns might be logically justified, further - somewhat bizarre - lines of condemnation have originated from the UK’s Equal Opportunities Board, and also the Commission for Racial Equality.

According to whistle-blowing insiders at both government bodies, the Thomas Crook and Tithead Travel suntan promo’ deals ubiquitous ‘terms & conditions may apply’ sections of their holiday contracts stated that “persons born with perma-suntans are disqualified from participation” – which led to complaints of racism being filed by a certain Croydon resident, Miss Winnebago O’Dinga – formerly of Nigeria; and a Birmingham-based wheelbarrow mechanic, Mr Achmed Jaffacake, who originally hailed from Pakiland’s Kashmir Province.

As if to emphasise the dangers of excessive UVB, and specifically UVA radiation exposure, Channel 4’s Cremation Hour programme this week broadcast the plight of Ms Chantelle McSkanger, a 16-year old mother of three from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, who recently returned home from a ten day Thomas Crook vacation at Debtors Cove in Greece, sporting a fair tan.

Wishing to maintain her healthy bronzed goddess look and qualify for the advertised 50% discount on her next year’s holiday, Chantelle imprudently exchanged her weekly issue of food coupons and stock of Pukesburys Nectar card points for a second-hand sun bed from Toxic Tessie’s Tanning Parlour, but sadly became the faulty device’s captive when the timer rang after a fifteen minute nuking stint and the top refused to open – trapping her inside until neighbours were alerted by her screams – and the smell of barbequed pork.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.