Monday, 10 October 2011

Curse of Cronyism Strikes MoD

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Coalition’s Minister of Defence, Dr Liam Pox, also the incumbent Tory MP for the North Scumerset constituency, is today facing accusations of cronyism from political opponents and government abuse watchdogs concerning the actual nature of his relationship with the best man at his 2005 wedding - the career name-dropper and money-grubbing opportunist Adam Qwerty.

Qwerty, a former flatmate of Dr Pox while reading for his degree in Advanced Influence Peddling at the South Croydon Institute of Nepotistic Studies, was today described by friends and business associates alike as a ‘murky turkey’ – and yet another Tory kleptomaniac prick, cast in the same mould as the despicable Mark Twatcher, a scoundrel forever on the lookout for the chance to pick up thirty pieces of silver, regardless of who gets scourged and crucified in the process of self-enrichment.

Pox’s problems are now multiplying at a geometric rate, as every time he tries to explain away one Qwerty anomaly with disingenuous excuses, two more pop up – and his Pinocchio nose gets an inch longer.
Such is eminently displayed in stellar fashion with the video recording passed on to staff at the Daily Shitraker by a whistle-blowing mole working undercover for the iconoclastic Backstabbers watchdog charity - which shows Mr Qwerty, who has no official role, attending a wheeler-dealer arms sales meeting with President Wormhole Ratsjacket of Sri Lanka and Defence Secretary Pox.

With regards to the Dubai meeting controversy, Pox attempted to explain this away by claiming he was in transit, returning from a glad-handing mission to Afghanistan, and a bunch of dodgy arms dealers were sat at the next table to himself and Qwerty at Hungry Hamid’s Kebab Parlour in the airport, when their eavesdropped conversation quite innocently drifted into the areas of encrypted communications equipment and second hand nuclear weapon materials that the MoD and BAE Systems might have up for grabs at their next car boot sale.

Again, Secretary Pox stuck to his original statement of denial, repeating the fact that “Adam Qwerty is not an employee of the MoD and has, therefore, not travelled with me on any visit in an official capacity – but rather as an old mate, along for the ride, to cheer me up, brew the tea and come up with a few funny jokes."

Conversely, New Labour’s shadow defence secretary, Genghis McScrote, went straight for the jugular in a statement to press hacks. “Liam Pox has now stated for the public record, as so to be damned by such, that his friend Mr Adam Qwerty, has no official connection to the Ministry of Defence.”

“However, this pillock’s wandering around giving out official MoD business cards with his name on them, then travelling around the world flashing business cards with House of Conmans logos, declaring himself a personal adviser to Dr Liam Fox – plus preparing his own business documents bearing MoD letterheads. Last but by no means least, the fact he’s dropping Pox’s name at every opportunity further condemns this situation with the stench of improbity as Qwerty has less of a national security clearance than the MoD’s ginger mingin cat, Tiddles.”

“Liam Pox has some very serious questions to answer before the Parliamentary assembly this coming week concerning his total lack of sound judgment and professional integrity. Primarily by bestowing Qwerty with free and unhindered access to the MoD - and further by permitting him to travel on official foreign trips – at the taxpayers’ expense. Something definitely stinks in Denmark – and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks.”

Dr Pox is expected back London over the weekend following a meeting in Tripoli with his Libyan defence secretary counterpart, Mohammed al Packamack of the rebel National Transitional Council, concerning a discount price package deal for the October scheduled bombing of Sirte and Bani Walid by RAF Tornado fighters – apparently an official junket the avaricious Qwerty missed out on for once.

Rumours abound between Westminster and Shitehall insiders that PM Posh Dave Scameron, in need of another scandal like Noah needed more rain, has spit the proverbial dummy and is demanding ‘answers’ by Monday – or else.

Have you ever met Defence Minister Dr Liam Pox? Would you like to say Hi, shake hands, have a couple of beers down his local and discuss any arms deals you have on simmer with despotic basket case regimes in some Mid-East or African shithole? You never know what second-hand crap the MoD have stuck in their shed that might be had for a few bob and a copy of a Third World end-users certificate. So, go on, if you need to know more, drop Adam Qwerty an e-mail via

Thought for the day: Old Chinese proverb states “Know and judge a man by the quality of his friends and associates”. Hmmm well, that’s Liam Pox fucked for a start.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: