Boozing Mum Cops Community Service

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Chantelle McSkanger, a 17-year old mother of three from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council estate, has been slapped with a four-month suspended jail sentence for leaving her children in a car while she went on the booze.

Officers assigned to the GMP’s mobile Plod Squad, answering a series of complaints from motorists, discovered Ms McSkanger’s six-year old son Wayne driving at high speeds around the car park of the Rat & Pikey pub in Scumshawe – spots on full beam, hazard lights flashing and air horns blaring – while executing handbrake turns and burning rubber - with his younger brother Troy and baby sister Lou-Lou sat in the back seat cheering him on as he terrorized pedestrians and other drivers.

Police eventually succeeded in blocking the car’s passage and dragging a protesting wild Wayne from behind the wheel of the souped-up ex-rally 1991 Mini Cooper S, then booking him for driving without a valid license, nor road tax, nor insurance – and with an expired MOT certificate.
On entering the pub, the plods, accompanied by this time with concerned social workers, discovered the children’s mother sat at the bar sculling Meths Breezers and chatting to her mates, Fellattia and Slapperella.

Appearing at Manchester Crown Court this week, Ms McSkanger, sporting a 'Chav Slag' t-shirt, pleaded guilty to a legion of offences relating to child neglect, and in addition to a four-month suspended jail term, she was sentenced to 200 hours community service.

Dr Bernard Madeupname, a clinical psychologist who had been treating Ms McSkanger for depression and her chronic black pudding flavoured crisps addiction, spoke in her defence during the court proceedings, informing presiding Judge Irwin Fuctifino “Ms McSkanger has suffered from severe learning difficulties since she was injured in a childhood extreme sports accident and fractured her skull when tombstoning head first out of a tree into the local park’s duck pond.”

“This has left her with residual brain damage and the poor girl has no conception – if you’ll excuse the pun – about the birth control methods available to her – hence her brood of three children by an assortment of fathers at 17 years old and totally lacking the intelligence – or common sense – to deal with her social situation and predicament.”

However, on leaving the court building, McSkanger put her customary ‘nasty face’ back on for the benefit of reporters, claiming vindication for her sins with the piss-ant excuse “I were only in the effin’ pub fer half a fuckin’ hour ter pick up some spliffs an’ swig a coupla Meths Breezer – it wasn’t like it were a binge drinkin’ session or owt like that, if yer get me drift. Anyways, even if I had come outa there half-pissed, young Wayne could have driven us all home.”

“I just got real stressed out that day cos of the welfare office stoppin’ me benefits giro an’ givin’ me a bunch of useless fuckin’ food coupons instead so I can’t spend the money on drugs and booze.”
“Now this stupid twat of a judge has gone an’ slapped me wiv a 200 hour community service order – so what the fuck am I supposed ter do wiv three kids while that’s all happenin’ – leave 'em all in the effin car again?”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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