Jobsworths get Powers over Life n Death

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Coalition’s ‘Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next’ have decided to bestow police-like powers on a legion of haughty morons and turn our once sceptred isle into ‘Fine Hell’ – a carbon copy of the Lee crime family dominated fascist Clean n Green’ (and sterile/boring) island state of Singapore.

More than 2,200 jobsworths, including minimum wage council wardens, security guards and countryside rangers – and any other power-crazy fucker and their dog - are being given authoritarian Kafkaesque life and death powers through which they will initially be able to levy fines of up to £80 and demand personal details from the hapless public. Hmmm, yet another burden on the economy rather than a factor adding value to it.

The so-called Community Accreditation Custody scheme (CAC) was given short shrift and derided as a ‘fucking joke’ by the duplicitous Tories when in opposition, with Dominic Grieve QC – the then shadow Home Secretary but now Attorney General - accusing Tony Bliar’s New Labour government of working to create a panopticon surveillance society of dystopic proportions.
The CAC was introduced under the Plod Squad Reform Act 2002 and set up to create the UK’s own Stasi-Gestapo force and give officious jobsworths more powers to abuse the public with impunity.

However, under the provisions of permissible hypocrisy, the burgeoning number of intellectually challenged clots now empowered by the Big Brother project since the Libservative Coalition infested the House of Conmans in May of 2010 to the status of enforcer has swollen by 35% over the past twelve months.

Civil liberties campaigners, led by Ox-Rat’s Bazzer McTwatt, have raised concerns over the accountability of untrained civilians and economic migrants from the ‘Renta-Thug’ and ‘Moron-Hire’ security agencies – and the Jobcentre - recruited to implement the advance of Britain's surveillance state and join with the traffic wardens - now morphed into Community Enforcement Officers - and the incompetent ranks of the plastic PCSO dildos.

Under the scheme, local councils, NHS trusts and ‘parties of self-interest’ / private sector companies can pay a fee of a couple of hundred quid for Home Office accreditation via the nearest Plod Squad station - then get their employees signed up as CAC officers for as little as £32 nicker per martinet, with each required to undergo no more than a two hour training course to qualify for their special Tufty Club badge.

In addition to issuing fines for crimes and misdemeanours - such as failing to scoop the poop, gobbing out chewing gum and dropping litter on the street, the accredited snoopers are also entitled to take people’s names and addresses and arrest hoodies for anti-social behaviour – and aspiring Banksy-style graffitists for their artwork – with it constituting a capital offence to refuse their demands.

Bazzer McTwatt, director of Ox-Rat, informed one press hack from the Totalitarian Review that: “The effin’ public’s gonna go ape-shit if they ever find out that Posh Dave Scameron’s plutocracy cabinet’s signed off on lettin’ a bunch of amateur plods loose in this pseudo-enforcement role wivout any effin’ proper accountability ter up-end our civil liberties. It’s bleedin’ ridiculous an’ nowt else but policin’ on the cheap now Scameron an’ Co are after makin’ 7,000 plods redundant an’ intends replacin’ ‘em wiv his Big Society volunteers – half of which is from Eastern Europe an’ can’t speak any effin’ English – apart from ‘welfare benefits’.”

“Then yer got a horde of the cunts wot’s signed up round my neighbourhood consistin’ of local scrotes an’ scallies wot’s led by that vermin scumbag Randal the Vandal, from the Stench Hill Yobsters Gang – he’s bin promoted ter a CAC Sergeant already no less. How’s that fer official effin’ oversight?”

Thought for the day: To quote Illuminati insider and author George Orwell - aka Eric Blair (and no relation to that lying bastard Tony): “If you want a picture of the future – imagine a jackboot stamping on a human face – forever!”

Oh, and by the way, fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.