MoD’s Pox Lies Himself into Hole

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Under a veritable deluge of accusations of breaching the hallowed Ministerial Code of Conduct (with brazen hubris aforethought) dominating the red top gutter press’s headlines, the incumbent (for now) Defence Minister Dr Liam Pox this morning informed one hack from the Daily Shitraker tabloid that he would carry on doing the job assigned to him by his boss – Tory PM Posh Dave Scameron – selling weapons to Third World despotic regimes – a task that will no longer involve his self-styled adviser Adam Qwerty, of Influence-Peddlers SA, going along for the ride at the British taxpayers’ expense.

The straight face and stiff upper lip besides, Dr Pox was ‘diagnosed at a distance’ this morning by celebrity psychologist Fellattia van der Gamm on the BBC’s Andrew ‘Bat-Ears Marr Show’, confiding to viewers that in her opinion Secretary Pox is suffering a bout of ‘galloping paranoia’ and now believes he’s the victim of a Labour Party hate campaign and selective character assassination headed by Ed Millipede.

“We can tell a lot about Secretary Pox from the way he dresses and combs his hair over the bald spot – plus that double Windsor knot – an archetype closet case gay give-away. Then we have the car he drives – a Skoda – which lays bare so much concerning the depraved extent of his inner self and covert involvement with this Adam Qwerty person.”
“Qwerty’s quite obviously a cunt in cunt’s clothing who Pox, regardless of denials, maintains a sodomite relationship with – then lies over the issue until his ears twitch. And how do I know he’s lying? Simple, his lips moved.”

“And if you doubt the verisimilitude of those factors just take a peek on the website of the Ox-Rat snitch and grassers watchdog charity and see what was posted last night by some whistle-blower from the Met’s Plod Squad concerning this controversial burglary at Dr Pox’s London Bridge apartment during the General Election campaign last April. Nothing stolen, but all the kitchen knives spread out on the work tops – and his motor almost nicked by a car thief who couldn’t drive. The entire affair is a fabrication of pantomime proportions – so what is he hiding?”

Hmmm, what indeed? The proverbial plot thickens.

The gospel according to the Ox-Rat website reveals a very murky tale regarding Dr Pox’s behaviour, culled from the official Plod Squad investigation of the purported burglary and the now-established fiction concerning some anonymous out-of-town associate staying with him – in the spare room - being a heap of utter horse shit.

Posting on Ox-Rat's cyber noticeboard Constable X claims first-hand information concerning the circumstances surrounding the faux burglary of the night of the 26th April when a group of six intruders were let into the premises by Pox’s mysterious visitor.
Earlier that evening Secretary Pox had apparently ventured out around his River Thames neighbourhood in search of a bit of a gay adventure with some rough trade, so to speak, as his civil partner Jesme (apparently a female of the species) was stuck in Hong Kong – and Adam Qwerty unavailable for ‘sport’ as his haemorrhoids were still sore from the previous night’s bumming session.

While partaking of a drink at the bar of the Hello Sailor public house on Southwark’s Skank Street, it is believed he met up with a 17-year old Sea Cadet named Simon and invited him back to his luxury London Bridge apartment for a nightcap and a game of Hide the Sausage.

Simon, moonlighting as a suck and spit male prostitute to pay for his continuing oestrogen hormone treatments and ‘wish list’ breast implant op’ that Xmas, accompanied Dr Pox back to his pad, followed closely by several ‘accomplices – including Simon’s jealous boyfriend Rupert (who still cannot be named for legal reasons).

Once the dirty deeds were done and Pox fell asleep, Simon went into stealth mode and opened the door of the apartment for his friends to blag the place, but were disturbed by a startled Pox waking up and going into a state of headless chicken panic - thus legged it rapid fashion. Opting for a high speed getaway personally, but being clueless – like most people – on how to drive a Skoda – Simon succeeded not so much in stealing the vehicle but running over a family of innocent bystander plant pots before saying ‘fuck it’ and doing a runner – on foot.

Tracked down through fingerprints on the car’s interior and Dr Pox’s stolen laptop and cellphone, left on the rear seat of the Skoda, Simon got his sad arse collared in the following days by the Bermondsey Plod Squad.
However, after a few quiet words and money changing hands via the medium of number one fixer, Adam Qwerty, Simon agreed to take the wrap and plead guilty to one count of burglary – and keep his gob shut regarding ‘other matters’.

PM Posh Dave Scameron’s spokeswoman, Ms Scabby Bertin, informed salivating press hacks hovering around Downing Street like a flock of vultures this afternoon that “Dave’s supporting Liam all the way, so the lot of you can fuck off back down the pub. Well, supporting him until Gus O’Donnell’s report’s in at the end of the week – then he might get the chop.”

Thought for the day: To quote more so than plagiarise Sir Walter Scott’s 'Marmion', as I can think of no better citation to sum up the Liam Pox imbroglio: “Oh! what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive”.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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