Tuesday, 25 October 2011

UK Winters Snap-Freeze Oldies

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to an official study commissioned by the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money reveals that in excess of 2,700 people are dying of hypothermia each year in England and Wales due the scandalous fact they cannot afford to keep their homes warm enough during the winter months – September through June.

Little wonder too, on their miserly pensions and paltry winter fuel allowance – further reduced by £50 quid for the 2011 Festive Season thanks to Posh Dave Scameron and the Libservative Coalition bailing out the doomed eurozone - and diverting funds for the RAF to do their bit with NATO - bombing Libya back into the Stone Age.

This ‘freeze factor’ is contrarily juxtaposed with an earlier 2007 study which revealed that Al Bore’s anthropogenic global warming fantasy was likewise killing off legions of pensioners who couldn’t afford to run electric fans or air conditioning units – or even leave their fridge door open - and succumbed to the double whammy effects of heat stroke and scare-mongering propaganda – until the AGW fiction was dismissed as a total scam with Rajendra Pachauri’s IPCC and University of East Anglia joint Climategate dodgy data swindles exposed a couple of years back - when Britain was hit with the worst winter weather since the end of the last Ice Age.

This latest study has concluded that the Russian and European money-grubbing energy suppliers who operate on a ‘Shylock system’ of ‘the bigger the profit, the better our bonuses’ – have purposely manipulated the cost of gas and electricity into an upward spiral that, combined with the impact of the extortionate green taxes, is putting the health and lives of senior citizens at risk.

Now the anthropomorphic-caused global warming scam has been blown wide open and proved to be more at scent than substance, and conspiratorially renamed ‘Climate Change’ to salvage the Rothshite banksters’ carbon credits cap and trade exchange swindle - and up the ante on green taxes - the actual profits of the major energy suppliers to the UK grid have risen by £125 quid a year per individual customer / household - a figure banksters refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’.

This has resulted in a kick-back effect where legions of cash-strapped pensioners are putting excessive pressure on the National Ill-Health Service due a smorgasbord of sub-temperature related physical ailments – from respiratory problems to galloping chilblains to suffering from frostbite while watching the telly.

However Dr Morton Fawkes, the Minister for Shivering, told one press hack from the Arctic Gusts Gazette that “Never mind blaming the government for this problem – at least we’ve introduced the Warm Home Discount, which will knock £120 quid off electricity bills for around 600,000 of the poorest households this coming winter. All pensioners have to do to qualify is wrap themselves up in woollies stuffed with newspapers then turn the electricity off at the mains – then they’re bound to save money. – and hopefully stop bloody whingeing.”

Conversely, the opinion of Bazzer McScrote, director of the senior citizens consumer group Old Farts Action, claims ”Too little and too fuckin’ late – this should have bin sorted effin’ months ago. An’ wot pisses us right off is the fact that it’s not British firms wot’s hikin’ up the prices of gas an’ electric an’ over-chargin’ the crap outa us – it’s a bunch of effin’ twats from the EUSSR.”

“Yer got that Russian tosser, wot’s the chairman of that Premier League soccer team, Dipshit United – an’ he owns fuckin’ Gulag Gaz in Siberia wot sells us 75% of the UK’s supplies. Yet when he woz interviewed last week about chargin’ too much fer his gas an’ pensioners freezin’ ter death cos they can’t afford the bills, the arrogant twat just comes out wiv some bullshit about his snow-bound 85-year old Granny in Murmansk wot has ter go out chopping wood every mornin’ ter keep warm – and reckons Brit’ oldies are a bunch of wimps.”

In support of Old Farts Action, Sir Dinsdale Fuctifino, director of the Government’s Fuel Poverty Advisory Group, described the frozen pensioner death statistics as a disgrace, which reflected very badly on PM Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society concept.
“Really, the figure for deaths of oldies freezing is higher than the number of people killed on the roads – so forget this arbitrary 2,700 croaked last winter as the true number of premature deaths linked to cold exposure is considerably higher by far and exceeding 6,000.”

“I do realise that it doesn’t help matters with this global warming / climate change thing drastically altering the British climate to three seasons – almost winter, winter, and August. However, if British pensioners have been saving up for a trip to Dignitas in Switzerland to end their misery in comfort, then we definitely don’t want them freezing to death before they’re ready to pull the plug – regardless of what Scameron and that little oick bastard Georgie Osborne would like to see. Cull the oldies through the winter months and save a stack on weekly state pension pay-outs – plus they’d have all those nice death duties rolling in too.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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