Monday, 17 October 2011

Government Fly Tipping Scandal

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Cabinet office minister Oliver Letwin, the Tory MP for Old Scrotum, has been forced, after being confronted with CCTV footage, to admit dumping highly confidential government documents into the recycling bins sited on his local Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket chain’s car park – and then mooching around in the footwear bin and retrieving a pair of thigh length leather boots - which he proceeded to try on and then waddled off in a state of precarious balance on the six inch stilettos.

Over a period of six weeks the hapless Letwin was photographed and caught on video by stalking paparazzi from the Daily Shitraker disposing of private letters and government papers which included correspondence on terrorism, national security and constituents' private details – plus a covert estimated record of every single calorie Lib-Dum Local Communities Minister Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Prickes had eaten in the Parliamentary canteen since May last year.

Letwin acknowledged he sometimes disposed of copies of letters in Pestco’s recycling bins as he simply couldn’t be arsed turning the handle on his manual shredder at home or flushing them down the bog - but denied they were sensitive – apart from the ones relating to MI6 setting up Mohammed al Patsy and his mates from Leeds for the blame of the 7/7 false flag terrorist attacks on the British population – then snuffing them all Kratos style at Canary Wharf - and MI5 expediting the assisted suicide of Dr David Kelly in Oxfordshire’s Grassy Knoll Woods.

The incompetent Letwin, who PM Posh Dave Scameron, in a moment of total oversight, put in charge of developing government policies, was on one occasion photographed handing sheaves of documents to a binman – whom press hacks prudently paid a fiver to get a butchers at before they ended up in the back of the truck – which have since become the core source of evidence of governments past sanctioning the disposal of nuclear waste in the North Sea – and burial of the same in several sites around bonny Scotland.

According to the Downing Street rumour mill and the Shitehall Civil Service’s entrenched snitches and grassers, PM Scameron spit the dummy royally upon hearing the glad tidings, shouting “For fuck’s sake – first it’s stupid Liam and his poofter mate Adam Qwerty shagging the works up over at the Ministry of Defence – and now I’ve got that short-arsed oick Oliver making a bollocks of everything – again!”

The “Again!” comment doubtless references Letwin causing a flood of controversy after stating for the public record “You can't have innovation and excellence in government without real discipline and some fear – and that’s precisely what this bunch of slack-arsed civil servants infesting Shitehall need up them – fear of losing their cushy jobs. That should get the bastards motivated.”

However, this faux pas was really minor in comparison to his moronic ‘foot-in-mouth’ declaration that he’d rather beg on the street than let his children go to an inner city comprehensive school – which for many served to sum up the level of contempt the Conservative Party politicians view the British taxpaying – and voting – public.

Other documents out of this salvaged batch related to MI6’s links to Big Al Qaeda and Pakiland’s SIS, the Dalai Lama’s distaste for buttered scones, Burmese human rights and wrongs campaigner Aung Suu Kyi’s purchase of a rampant rabbit personal vibrator with buttplug attachment - and the Israeli rabid Rabbi’s illegal black market trade of transplant organs harvested from Palestinian children kidnapped by the IDF’s Hafganat Koah Brigade from the occupied West Bank and besieged Gaza Strip enclave territories.

Letwin, a reformed rhubarb addict, who wormed his way into politics via the NM Rothshite crime family’s banking syndicate - and playing the arse end of a donkey in a Conservative Party Christmas panto’ back in the days of the Iron Lady, Maggie Twatcher - has evolved a most annoying habit of opening mouth before engaging brain, which has hence led to both friends and associates alike categorising him as a total fuckwit.

This collective opinion has become especially significant since Letwin, in a display of his habitual unqualified arrogance, moronically confided to London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense one night in Westminster’s Rat and Pikey Club that he harboured a sick fantasy to introduce a bill in the House of Conmans banning the population of Sheffield from travelling abroad.

The Scandalmongers Review claimed several of the retrieved ‘wheelie bin’ documents detailed how Parliament's intelligence and security committee, which oversees the work of MI5 and MI6 and GCHQ - failed to elicit one iota of truth regarding the British intelligence community’s involvement in terrorist interrogations – apart from a B & Q receipt for several pairs of pliers, a claw hammer, and a Black and Decker drill.
The Wicks DIY invoice for several towels and buckets was explained away as to deal with a leak in an MI6 safe house roof and was most definitely not related to water boarding.

Hmmm, water boarding – and too water leaks – which brings us full circle to the millionaire Letwin’s contribution to the MP’s expenses scandal - when he submitted a claim to have a water leak from a pipe under his tennis court repaired – with some £2,145 quid being forked out for the job by the British taxpayers.

Conversely, Letwin’s screw up with confidential government papers isn’t unique as Lemsip Optrex, the Lib-Dum MP for MontyPythonshire in Welsh Wales was caught out in a 2009 incident when he was photographed by press hacks with Transylvanian vampire Slutella Irimia of the Cheeky Gits – allowing her to use the backs of confidential House of Conmans letterhead documents, marked ‘Highly Confidential’ and ‘Top Secret’ to practice her English alphabet and for crayoning on.

Thought for the day: A cabinet minister Letwin might well be, and a millionaire to boot, but still lacks even a modest modicum of common sense when one considers the pick and mix levels of stupidity and plain idiocy required to answer the front door at 5:00am when two total strangers on his London street asked if they could use his toilet instead of simply peeing in the gutter. Once inside they proceeded to steal his credit cards and other belongings – a Keystone Cops fiasco that ended up with Letwin chasing them down the street in his dressing gown and pyjamas.

Hmmm, and these people are running the country?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: