Dead Hit With New Death Taxes

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

An iniquitous piece of cash-generating legislation just proposed by the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next is set to slap hapless UK families with a new £170 quid Death Tax before they’re allowed to bury or cremate their next of kin.

Changes in death and cremation certification systems were demanded following the inquiry into how the ‘Jekyll of Hyde’ mass murderer Dr Harold ‘Euthanasia’ Shipman managed to kill a suspected 250,000 of his patients to prevent them becoming a burden on the NHS – and keep his mate Jack the Undertaker in business.

The extortionate scheme will be applied to over 500,000 deaths every year on average (discounting seasonal Sneezy Pig and Coughing Duck Flu epidemics, false flag Muslim terrorist attacks or loopy lemming style mass suicide pacts) which may affect an excess of 1,000 families per day copping for the £170 quid minimum charge to check the cause of death – even if the fatality is totally obvious.

Such instances would include several kitchen knives stuck in a burglar’s chest – or someone’s got fed up with broken Tory promises and slashed their own jugular and carotid arteries - or some wrinkly old git with Alzheimer’s run over and squashed into an unidentifiable mess of blood and guts by a loaded pantechnicon while walking the dog along the hard shoulder of the M25 after dark.

The bog standard Libservative Coalition’s proposals are aimed at improving the quality and accuracy of the UK’s death statistics relative to all non-coroner referred mortalities - but will penalise mourning relatives having to pay out £170 before they can bury their loved ones – quite an expensive lay-out if a full car-load of family get snuffed in the same foggy morning 80 mph pile up on a motorway.

With Posh Dave Scameron pushing to make this part of his pre-election promised job creation scheme now the UK unemployment tally has just hit a record 17 year high of 2:75 zillion, the National Ill-Health Service is set to appoint the first 1,000 freshly-qualified medical examiners (hired on minimum wage salaries) who turn up waving an NVQ1 Diploma in ‘Dead or Alive Assessments’ – plus the mandatory English proficiency credentials – with all tasked to ensure that death certificates are henceforth appropriately completed with the correct cause of the subject’s demise – and too their sex and name.

While nobody or their dog has yet determined how the levy might be collected from those who refuse – or cannot afford – to pay ’yet another tax’, Local Government Association spokesman Genghis McScumm (described by friends and associates alike as a ‘fuckwit’ as he hasn’t the brains to qualify for the ‘halfwit’ category) told press hacks “Yer can see wot’s comin’ here, cos folks are simply gonna start takin’ their dead family members down ter the neighbourhood landfill site – an’ if the council put the block on that move, then yer gonna have decomposin’ bodies fly-tipped all over the fuckin’ place – an’ perhaps like the unemptied wheelie bins – dumped on the town hall steps.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.