New School Leaving Age: 14

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to Sir Chris Knobhead, an ex-chief inspector of educational establishments in England, the school leaving age should be cut to fourteen. Knobhead, a former rhubarb addict, told a reporter from the gutter press Minimum Wage Gazette that this would give students with the academic abilities of a hedgehog a better chance of learning a trade – if the Libservative Coalition ever get round to keeping a few of their election campaign trail promises and creating an apprenticeship scheme – and a mixed bag of jobs vacancies to go with it.

The arrogant Knobhead, a person now dedicated to fostering private education – and the incumbent Chairman of Sprognita, the company controlling – and profiting greatly from – the ownership of a majority of London's premier private schools (the type only rich people can afford for their snotty kids) – claims it is a recipe for disaster to require young people to attend classes until they’re 18 - studying English and Maths – and other subjects that have sweet fuck all relevancy in surviving in the social jungle of Broken Britain.

Knobhead then pontificated "If some young scrote at 14 has mastered basic literacy and numeracy, I would be very happy for that child to leave school and go into a combination of apprenticeship and further education training and a practical, hands-on, craft-based regime that gets them off welfare benefits – such as burglary or scavenging on a landfill site – or selling drugs.”

“Really, pillocks like Scameron and Osborne that were fortunate enough to have zillionaire parents who could afford to send them to a sodomite’s paradise public school like Eton - and then onto Oxford - where they got first-hand experience in the art of vandalism as members of the Bullingdon Club – they’ve inherited a very skewed Utopian view of school standards and how an education system should work – solely due the fact they fell into that narrow spoiled brat category whose families were able to cough up the exorbitant school fees.”

Thought for the day: Do you agree that those extra years studying academia – literature, the arts and humanities are wasted on the teenage mind? Or should they be hoofed out at fourteen so they can spend that extra couple of years signing on at the Jobcentre, and prepare themselves for a career of unemployment - then being shunted around onto these moronic Stage 2, 3 and 4 ‘New Deal’ schemes searching for a non-existent job like Captain Queeg hunting down the strawberries?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.