Saturday, 8 October 2011

Now Tories Want ‘Fatties’ Tax Too

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Using the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester to generate socio-political support for their fucked-up coalition via the broadcast and promotion of new ideas – however daft – to solve the recession and debt crisis - and mend ‘Broken Britain’ - Tory apparatchiks have resorted to copy-catting the latest stupid scheme to bear the approval and signature of Numpty Neil Kinnock’s daughter-in-law – Denmark’s incumbent Social Democrat Prime Minister, Mrs. Helle Thorning-Schmidt.

Chief Tory dipshit, Posh Dave Scameron, has applauded the Danish government’s introduction of a tax on obesity amid the Libservative Coalition’s failure to rein in the record budget deficit - exacerbated by rising costs of their neo-colonial wars – those Afghan and Libyan conflict quagmires that they lack the Sun Tzu style nuance regarding military strategy to ever win.

PM Scameron, reacting to a prod with a sharp stick from one of his minders, jumped straight up on the bandwagon, declaring to any fucker or their dog interested enough to pay heed to his bloviating blather, that a "Lard Arse Tax" was needed to tackle the increasing obesity levels of the UK’s burgeoning ranks of unemployed couch potatoes - and too the ensuing health costs incurred by the NHS forking out for gastric banding and nuclear-powered liposuction procedures.

Scameron referred to identical measures recently adopted in Denmark – a Fat Tax levy which has triggered a furious response from both retailers and the Danish people, who are sick to the back teeth with faulty economic policies that have wreaked a devastating toll on the pockets of regular common or garden peasants trying to make ends meet under the draconian edicts of the corruption-ridden EUSSR assembly in Brussels and its fatally-flawed single Euro currency crisis dragging the entire 27 member European community into a state of Debtocracy.

The Tory’s proposed ‘Lard Arse Tax’ – which will require the nod from their Lib-Dum coalition partners in crime, and too a vote in the House of Conmans, is a carbon copy of the Danish model, designed to slap a revenue-generating surcharge on foods that have been catalogued by a conclave of beardies and anoraks with more degrees than a thermometer (and less common sense than a tortoise on speed) to be high in saturated fat – such as the iconic British favourites of fish n chips, Spam fritters, steak n kidney puddings, Lobscouse, and deep fried Mars bars.

The controversial tax – being announced at a time of rampant food price inflation – could slap 25 pence on the cost of a bag of Black Pudding flavour crisps and up to 65 pence per pack added to kipper-essence Muffdivers Delight edible knickers.

While the UK’s main Greedy Grocer supermarket chains, including Pestco, Mammon & Snobfords, Pukesburys and Shiteland will be, as per usual, lobbying to have the proposed Lard Arse Tax Act diluted so it doesn’t have a negative knock-on effect on their sacred profits, any such legislation to reduce the nasty fats / high cholesterol content of foods will obviously herald the closure of the legions of fast food franchise outlets currently infesting our once-sceptred isle - principally McD’s Chew n Spew, Grotty Greggs, Biffo’s Barf Burgers, Pol Pot Insta Noodles stalls, and the Krazy Kasim’s Kebab & Shisha Shop chain.

However, the gospel according to Chancellor George Osborne claims that the imposition of these moronic taxes is required to prop up the economy for as long as possible, until the entire EUSSR financial mirage goes tits up in a Busby Berkeley spectacular fashion when Greece defaults on its debt repayments and Germany pulls out of the Eurozone and returns to using Deutschmarks.

Both Scameron and Osborne have exploited the Tory Party Conference as a platform to call on the hapless public, as well as local governments, to take their unfair share of responsibility for repairing the economy - urging people to pay off their credit and store card bills and deal with their debts.

Osborne’s closing comments from the conference podium stated “We simply can’t have Uncle Mervyn, over at the Bank of England, ringing up Baron Rothshite every time we run out of readies, and having to beg permission to print another £75 zillion quid’s-worth of ‘quantitative easing’ tenners to pump into the economy.”
“I mean to say, the bloody public’s got to pay its credit card bills off as we simply can’t afford to carry on bombing Libya and keep supplying these grotty TNC rebels with arms – ‘and’ bail the bloody bankster oicks out when they go bust again. It’s going to end up with a Darwinian solution – survival of the bloody fittest, I’m afraid – then we’ll be up shitcreek, just like Greece.”

So, now to the nitty-gritty, who is Scameron going to laterally-promote and appoint to be the Tory’s Nasty Fats Tzar? Surely not Home Secretary Theresa Maybe - she of the child-bearing hips and double chins - waddling along duck fashion. Nor the Coalition’s own Mr Creosote - the incumbent Local Government Minister Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Prickles - or the party’s flabby Justice Secretary, Ken ‘Dimples’ Clark.

Conversely, Posh Dave’s little homily is likely to be overshadowed by Health Secretary Andrew Lansley’s speech, in which he announced plans to ban foreign doctors who can’t speak English – a nice contrast to the legions of European eco-migrants already infesting our green and pleasant land who also can’t string a coherent sentence of English words together – apart from sticking out a grasping paw and reciting their parrot fashion ’Jobseeker’s Allowance’ and ‘Welfare Benefits’ demands.

Thought for the day: The gospel according to 96-year old tramp Bazzer McScrote, a Tory voter since gaining the franchise at 18, and speaking to a press hack from the Daily Shitraker from his ‘cardboard box ‘squat’ under the arches at Manchester’s G-Mex – as the conference goes on above, wholly oblivious to his existence.

“I bin votin’ fer the effin’ blue-nosed Tories fer nigh on 80 years now an’ they’ve never given me owt. Fuck ‘em all anyways cos I prefer the freedom me poverty provides – sitting here all day, suppin’ Meths Breezers an’ smokin' a bifta an' just contemplatin’ true nirvana – instead of havin’ ter get up in a mornin’ an’ go ter work at some shithole job.”
“All I needs is a couple of square meals a day outa the pigswill bin at the back of Frankie an’ Benny’s vomitarium round the side of Piccadilly Gardens - but wot the fuck am I supposed ter do if they close them down cos of this nasty fats act, eh? That’s gonna put the mockers on me life-long quest fer spiritual enlightenment, now isn’t it.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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