Treacherous Tories Broke Midwives Pledge

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

During an interview with the Daily Shitraker just prior to the 2010 General Election, while more full of shit than a Christmas goose and ‘plighting his troth’ to all and sundry in exchange for their votes, Dave ‘Forked Tongue’ Scameron made yet another promise that’s coming back to haunt him with a vengeance: the recruiting of an extra 3,000 qualified midwives that could speak English and had a fair understanding of the layout of the human female reproductive system anatomy.

So forget about the festering carbuncle represented by the EUSSR membership referendum pledge – now refused. Or the Sure Start centres closing down at a geometric rate. Or the Tory / Lib-Dum promises that tuition fees would not rise - or that universities would only charge £9,000 in ‘exceptional circumstances’ – and that the Office for Fair Access (OFFA) would cut excessive fees.

Does anyone not infected with this Libservative Coalition's contagion of Selective Memory Syndrome (Latin: Amnesias Convenientus) remember the pre-election promise that ministers who came up with cuts to the front line would be sent packing – yet in total contradiction we now have 17,000 of the UK’s Plod Squad finest targeted for redundancy and re-branded ‘surplus to requirements’.

While mendacity and politicians go together like crapping and bog rolls, the catalogue of Scameron’s perfidies excels those of Joseph Goebbels, Richard Nixon, Bill ‘the Artful Dodger’ Clinton, Lord Peter Scandalson and Baron Münchhausen combined (not forgetting his partner in crime Lib-Dum leader Nick Clegg) – almost equalling those of the notorious international war criminal and pathological fibster, Tony Bliar.

So too with his promise while in opposition: “You can read my lips. That is a promise from the heart” – disingenuously pledging to “care for the elderly, frail, poor and needy and protect pensioners’ benefits”.

Aye, the unqualified arrogance of this Millionaires’ Cabinet of public school elitists - this flawed and doomed Libservative Coalition – a psephologist’s nightmare manifested.

The Royal College of Midwives this week finally spit the dummy, sticking the scalpels in as deep as they’d go and then twisting them for maximum effect – by informed the Daily Shitraker that expectant mothers might well have to ‘stay at home – and stand and deliver’ – as per the old highwayman’s credo due the fact maternity wards were shrinking faster than Scameron’s credibility and they were actually short of some 4,700 midwives to enable them to provide and ensure safe, high-quality maternity care.

Scenting blood, bottom feeding Labour MPs went for the jugular and cornered the punk-haired Health Minister Anne 'Monkey Girl' Stilton in the House of Conmans bar, then subjected her to a grilling over the broken midwife promise – to which her reply was one of “Focusing on staffing levels for the NHS is fucking ridiculous – you pricks should be looking at the bigger picture of how can we snuff Gaddafi and sort this mess out in Libya and get on with invading Syria and Iran.”

Regardless of Stilton’s evasive riposte, this damning gutter press news article prompted answers during Prime Minister’s Questions this week, to which he replied with lashings of ambiguity and equivocation, stating for the House of Conmans Hansard record that “We do need more midwives – just the same as Parliament’s canteen needs more waitresses, and the country needs more power stations and more volunteers for my Big Society – and a lot more Community Enforcement officers to keep a check on all these bloody scrotes and oicks and their anti-social behaviour like rioting and looting - and setting fire to Mr Patel’s corner shop too” - his answer marked by the conspicuous absence of any mention of the promised magical figure of 3,000 extra midwives.

Hmmm, yet another Tory policy pledge destined to be ‘stillborn’ (pun intended).

Tory panjandrum Posh Dave Scameron’s broken election promises – sworn on the body of a dead heron and in the presence of three magistrates and a Bishop: the list so far (not a pretty sight):

Protecting the NHS budget
3,000 extra Plods – not 17,000 less
VAT stable at 17.5%
Securing the Sure Start service
Securing the Future Jobs Fund
Preserving tax credits for the middle earners
Removal of the ‘couple penalty’
Scrapping tuition fees – not hiking them to £9,000 quid
A stop on excessive bonuses to top banksters
Provide 3,000 more qualified midwives
A halt to A & E and maternity ward closures
Form three new army battalions
Pupil Premiums additional to school budgets
Maintaining Child Benefit
No new nuclear power stations
Establish a Post office Bank
The abolition of high marginal tax rates
No cuts to the Royal Navy
Mandatory custodial prison sentences for carrying a knife
Slashing rail fares (no knives involved)
Maintaining the Child Trust Fund for poor families
No more top-down NHS reorganisations
No cuts to public spending
Scameron’s vaunted ‘Military Covenant’ to be enshrined in law
Pensioners loss of their Winter Fuel Allowance – cheers Dave
The ‘Bonfire of the Quangos’ pledge – 4,500 extra civil service jobsworths recruited since May 2010
The ‘no if’s or but’s’ pledge to reduce immigration when its shot up by 21% in the last year alone.

And that folks is only scraping the surface of the actual total.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.