Edwina Currie Solves Global Food Crisis

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Edwina ‘Vindaloo’ Currie, the ginger mingin ex-Tory MP for East Gobshite, renown for being the ‘Conservative bike' (as most of the back-benchers had copped for a ride on her) and her habit of opening mouth before engaging brain, has yet again done precisely that.

Legions of British peasants, effected by the deepening recession (read ‘depression’) are being slammed with soaring costs from greedy, profit-motivated energy corporations and forced to choose between buying food and staying in bed to keep warm – or turning on their central heating and going hungry – and that’s the Catch 22 choice facing the common herd who are still lucky enough to be employed and haven’t yet been evicted from their homes for non-payment of mortgages or rent.

However, in the unqualified opinion of Edwina Currie, speaking on the BBC’s ‘Sophistry Hour’ programme, she disbelieves that the UK’s peasant classes are going hungry – regardless of a plethora of documented evidence presented by statisticians and social workers to the contrary.

Slurrie, known to friends and associates alike as a self-promoting, opinionated, arrogant skanger with shit-for-brains, who has recently presented a pantomime figure of ridiculousness on Strictly Come Dancing – claimed she didn't believe anyone in the UK was faced with the option of choosing between 'eating and heating' – and persons who suggested such was the case were probably Soviet Russian agents out to score some black propaganda political points.

Legions of viewers jammed the BBC’s phonelines, incensed by Currie's comments – and further moronic boast that the previous evening she’d been warming her tootsies by a roaring log fire, eating smoked lark’s testicles in aspic and drinking Krug champers while watching a porno movie on Sky’s ‘Filth Channel’ as her toyboy from the Dial-a-Gigolo agency gave her one doggy style on the hearth rug.

Such was the furious, negative reaction to Ms Slurrie’s hubristic remarks that the BBC’s phones were still ringing three days later – relating tales of housing association tenants suffering from malnutrition; welfare claimants going months with no benefits income because the system had gone tits up; and workers, who despite putting in 60-hour weeks, discovered their income outstripped by burgeoning rents, soaring travel costs and inflated utility bills.

Regardless, the witless vulgarian Currie maintained her brazen position, stating for the public record that these whingeing ne'er do well’s had their priorities all wrong - accusing them of spending too much money on lottery tickets and scratch cards, mobile phone top-ups, cigarettes, bottles of Meths Breezers and pints of Old Headbanger lager – and the Daily Mirror.

“Honestly, I simply cannot credit some of these hard luck stories - that one family from Slumborough Hamlets council housing estate in London’s East End were evicted as they couldn’t pay the rent and actually ended up living on the Mucking Marshes landfill site - then eventually relocated to Darfur in the Western Sudan as there were better job opportunities and plenty to eat.”

Currie, formerly tagged with the Shylock label of Cohen – and too, due her propensity for uttering outrageous comments, branded as ‘the vilest bitch in Britain’ – was further labelled by Private Eye as ‘old piranha-teeth’ – due her dentistry being so fucked up she can eat an apple through a chicken wire fence.

Never a success in politics and a 50/50 pick and mix blend of the grossly embarrasing to absolutely ridiculous, Currie is perhaps best remembered for her politically incorrect comments as the Tory’s Junior Health Minister that "Good Christian folk didn't catch AIDS” - and contemptuously advising oldies who couldn’t afford their heating bills to get knitting a few wooly cardigans and long socks to stay warm in winter – capping a medly of faux pas with telling grim-faced Northerners that they’d all die from their diet of "ignorance and chips".

In December 1988, just in time for Christmas, Currie issued a warning that all British eggs were infected with galloping salmonella – a controversy that sparked outrage among farmers and egg producers, and caused egg sales in the country to collapse – gaining her the derogatory sobriquet of 'Egg-wina'.

In February 1994, following her first lesbian experience with a rug-munching schoolgirl at a Roedean prize-giving day in Sussex, Currie tabled an unsuccessful Parliamentary amendment to the Criminal Justice and Public Order Bill to lower the age of consent for homosexual acts to sixteen - a motion defeated by 307 votes to 280.

Obviously this negative result put a damper on her libido’s Sapphic ambitions and she then pursued a four-year duration rampant sexual affair with a hard-up Tory Prime Minister John Major.

In her published Currie’s Diaries, Edwina revealed all manner of saucy details about the affair – of how they would have table-enders in Downing Street’s cabinet office, and al fresco sex down in Dogger’s Woods, admitting she was his ‘willing’ three-hole suck n swallow bitch – and how they engaged in a ménage à trois with Home Secretary Michael Howard and he left a line of love bites on her neck.
Conversely, Major later did confide to fellow brothers at his Freemasons Lodge that he preferred wanking to having Egg-wina on top and playing the cowgirl.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.