Dumb Denmark Taxes Wrong Shite

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mrs. Helle Thorning-Schmidt-Kinnock - Denmark’s moronic Social Democrat government Prime Minister - has apparently suffered a severe ‘blonde moment’ psychotic event and permitted the Folketing (Parliament) to pass into law what is believed to be the world's first ‘Lard Arse Tax’ - a surcharge on foods that are high in saturated fat – such as the Danish favourites of seal and whale blubber – and Wicked Willy’s walrus burgers.

While some critics have slammed the legislature as a scheme to target bulimia sufferers, others have branded it as racist and aimed at Eskimo and Samoan migrant workers whose cultural digestible intake consists of a cholesterol-rich ‘fatty’ five-a-day diet.

Under the new legislation, deep fried Mars bars, butter, milk, yoghourt, cheese, pizza, meat, oil, biscuits, pastries, cakes and all processed foods – including the nation’s iconic Spam - will now be subject to the ‘Porky Gits’ tax if they contain more than 2.3% saturated fat.

While some consumers began hoarding fat-rich treats to beat the implementation of the numpty tax, food producers have slammed the tax as a bureaucratic nightmare, speculating that many Danes will simply start shopping abroad – in the neighbouring fat-friendly states of Sweden or Krautland, where schnitzels, pig’s knuckles and trotters still form the staple of a latter-day Berserker Viking’s breakfast.

Optimistic Danish dieticians and health officials say they hope the new tax will help limit the population's intake of fatty foods and reduce obesity and the incidence of strokes, thrombosis and associated cardiac diseases. However, academics and scientists at the Copenhagen-based Institute for Common Sense are of the opinion that saturated fat is the wrong target – claiming salt, sugar and refined carbohydrates are more detrimental to health and should be tackled at least with equal enthusiasm.

Conversely, the opposition party shadow health secretary Gunnar Noggson went straight for the jugular when he declared before the Folketing assembly “How about a lifting or exemption of all taxes on healthy foods to provide some incentive for this scheme? Low fat yoghourts and those little bottles of lacto-bacilli that make you shit through the eye of a needle every morning.”

“So, what happens now? Are we to be taxed into penury for wanting to enjoy our traditional morning eggs and bacon – even the one with DANISH written all the way through it? Are we doomed to diets bland and tasteless – like that Swiss crap muesli – and eating rabbit foods and fruits?”

“How about not only targeting my mid-morning Danish pastry but legislating against and banning the real killers, hey? The toxins ingested in our daily diets and lifestyles – fluoride in water and toothpaste - and gobwash gargles - and that big brain killer and physiological crippler – everyone’s tumour-inducing sugar substitute – aspartame. Plus the MSG shite that makes things taste better – the evil monosodium glutamate – and all the other food preservatives and colourings.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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