Thursday, 27 October 2011

Church Slams Latest Gay Demands

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Spurred on by the latest batch of asinine equal opportunities legislation manipulated through Parliament by deviant MPs with a fetish for things anal, the UK-based branch of Gay Arrogance, having won their case for same sex church weddings, is now citing government endorsement of the Paralympics for disabled people as a criterion for establishing a Gay Olympics venue to be juxtaposed with the London-hosted 2012 games.

This demand has elicited a frenzied negative reaction from the evangelical Pastor Frank McSkanger, leader of the Smegmadale-based ultra-fundamental militant Pancake Tuesday Adventists Christian movement.

The controversial and outspoken Pastor opined to a gaggle of red top tabloid press hacks, anxious to record his vitriolic and customary belligerent reactions to the news, that “So, the Church has sanctioned, if not actually bestowed blessings upon, gay marriages in the eyes of God - which jeopardises the credibility and sanctity of the entire Christian faith and threatens to make us a laughing stock.”

“The concept of Holy Matrimony is that mixed sex couples come to the altar to be joined in wedlock alike Adam and Eve - not Madam and Eve or Adam and Steve – flaunting themselves up the aisle to the iconic strains of Here Comes the Bride – modified to Here Comes the Bitch. Really, are we going to be swamped with bearded transvestites in bridesmaids gowns sporting size 10 feet and stinking of Old Spice or whatever it is these tosspot poofs splash on to smell nice?”

“These shit-stabbers have not only forced the Archbishop of Canterbury’s hand via rhetorical sophistry and political correctness arguments into sanctioning church weddings for same sex couples but now want their own Gay Olympics – with the perverted sport of felching approved as a recognised event. Doubtless the RSPCA are going to be voicing a legion of objections on that proposal.”

“I mean, it’s not a matter of homophobia, but nice people – Christian members of polite society – do not – even behind closed doors and between consenting adults – go round sticking small furry rodents up each other’s arseholes.”
“It was even on last night’s news, with that disgusting felching addict Lord Peter Scandalson – the effeminate Vermin in Ermine – voicing his support for a Gay Olympics to a reporter from the Golden Enema Gazette - while brazenly cuddling his pet gerbils Fudge and Scatt in front of the cameras.

“We’ve all read about this perverted ‘felching’ practice raving faggots have – especially the recent case of a certain gentleman from Old Scrotum in Oxford, who, while attending a Gay Masons BD/SM induction night, found himself seized, blindfolded, then bent over a table, bound and buggered – and had his rear passage dilated with a bovine speculum and a hedgehog rammed up – nose first – which resulted in a clinical extraction conundrum that it took the combined skills of a team of medical specialists comprised of two proctologists, an RSPCA vet, and the man from Dynarod to resolve.”

“Personally, and you can quote me on this one, I blame the Libservative Coalition, dominated by public school Tories, all of whom have been force-fed on a diet of semen-swallowing and buggery, corrupting the society of our once-sceptred isle with promiscuity, vice and perversion - and encouraging decent God-fearing folk to play the beast with two backs.”

“And we all know what God thinks about fudging turd burglars, now don’t we. He condemned the practice of men sticking their cocks up each other’s bums as an abomination – then dispatched a band of four-winged Archangels to the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah with a couple of ten megaton nukes and wreaked brimstone and fire down upon them.”

“So, what’s going to come next I dare not ponder. Will they want a law passing that makes homosexuality compulsory – such as in those paradises of sodomy known as Her Majesty’s Prisons - or perhaps legislation to legalise kiddie fiddling, to accommodate the perverted tastes of our ranking pederasts in government. Then England and Wales will be on an equal footing with Scotland and their paedophile-ridden crime capital of Scaberdeen.”

“Oh yes, Westminster and Parliament are infested with poofters and venal paedos – plus the internet’s crammed with evidence and data concerning the criminal actions of Tony Bliar and his stamping on Scotland Yard’s Operation Ore – and how rogue elements at all levels of government have been involved in systematic child abuse and paedophilia to feed the base desires of key politicians in Whitehall and the Houses of Conmans and the Lords."
"But don’t worry – God’s watching and it’s all down in the Day of Judgement book - then they'll cop it - an eternity in Hell getting buggered 24/7 by some demon with a red hot twelve inch willy.”

Thought for the day: Should young married couples be Frank and Earnest – or Man and Wife?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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