Tories to Scrap Unfair Dismissal Laws

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The heretical gospel according to a top secret report leaked by whistle-blowing moles at the Ministry of Chaos recommends that unproductive employees in what remains of Broken Britain’s devastated industrial and commercial sectors should lose their right to claim unfair dismissal – and instead be replaced by migrant workers from the 27 member EUSSR community who can speak a few words of basic English and scribble their signature on the company’s HSE handbook’s induction page – plus are prepared to work for minimum wage – or less.

The report - commissioned by the UK’s duplicitous twat of a Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron – presents an argument that employs Stalinist rhetoric to defy logic - that such an approach would mean more capable people replacing those sacked - thus boosting industrial output and economic growth.

The Daily Shitraker quotes the report as saying that under current rules legions of apathetic workers are allowed to coast along at a snail’s pace as it is nigh on impossible to sack them without costly Employment Tribunal proceedings - which habitually result in mega-bucks payouts to the dismissed workers.

Conspiratorially, as what is viewed as a sop to Eurosceptic back benchers, the Tory leadership yesterday warned it might demand Britain's exemption from European employment protection laws as a condition for any treaty change needed to help save the worthless and doomed euro currency.

Oh, very fucking nice indeed – British workers cop for all the crap that comes out of Brussels but get denied any beneficial legislation - and now Scameron’s trying to appease Tory back bench rebels with this proffered concession that threatens the common herd’s employment rights.

As if to confirm precisely this speculation, the moronic Minister of Education Michael ‘Rubberlips’ Gove, informed one press hack from the Serfdom Gazette that he personally would like to see legislation imposed governing "whom we can hire, how we can hire and how long they work" taken away from Brussels.

The Ministry of Chaos report - which was never intended to be seen by embedded civil service snitches and grassers or made public - was written by Adrian Snide-Twatt, a self-promoting venture capitalist and Conservative Party donor – known to friends and business associates alike as a right nasty little shit whose favourite subject is himself.
However, Snide-Twatt’s report actually recommends putting an end to unfair dismissal altogether, so anyone whose face doesn’t fit or turns up late to clock in for two mornings in the same month gets a DCM in his pay packet (Don’t Come Monday).

A Daily Shitraker editorial warns that regardless of incapable workers being left to coast along, many firms also fear expanding due the fact that under the EUSSR’s moronic employment laws governing the hire of new staff they’ll get lumbered with some Easter European pikeys – or otherwise unknown quantities who are impossible to sack – as instanced with our incompetent Prime Minister and his zillionaire’s cabinet of elitist dog-wankers.

However, the Libservative Coalition has now sworn on the body of a dead heron and in the presence of three bishops and a magistrate that they’re committed to reforming the UK’s employment statutes, with our elitist poof of a Chancellor, Georgie Osborne, announcing new measures aimed at restricting the number of unfair dismissal claims.
Osborne intends on pushing legislation to ensure dismissed staff must have at least ten years service with a company before being able to make a claim for unfair dismissal.
“Really, if employers don’t have to pay out lots of unfair dismissal compensation, then they can pay more in taxes, which enables me to send a bigger postal order to Brussels every month to pay off the arrears on our EUSSR Club membership dues.”

On hearing this, Genghis McGnasher of the Hammer & Sickle Comrades Union went into attack mode, informing the media that Snide-Twatt’s recommendations would horrify workers and perhaps result in industrial action.
“Who is this spoiled prat anyways, never done a decent day’s work in his effin’ life an’ is out ter shitcan established equality and employment rights. Dave Scameron needs ter chuck this effin’ report straight in the shredder – like wot Tony Bliar did wiv Scotland Yard’s Operation Ore report on kiddie fiddlin’.”
“It’s all a crock of shite really cos the clue’s in the name – ‘unfair dismissal’ – an’ employers already have more than enough powers ter make 'fair' dismissals.”

“I wish one of these fuckin’ idiots would explain ter me just how reducin’ employment protection laws is gonna make the economy boom again and create growth - it's all a pile of absolute bullshit.”
“Wot the twats need ter do is focus on Britain’s productivity problems – wot’s all down ter crap investment sense, piss poor training - an’ mismanagement on a scale that should be classified as criminal negligence. Never forget it woz that old bastard Maggie Thatcher wot de-industrialised Britain an’ broke it back in the 1980’s."

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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