Saturday, 29 October 2011

Retailers List Top Ten Toys for Xmas

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Top Ten Toys chart drawn up by the retail industry’s Shylock Profiteers Association features items ranging in price from a mere £19.99 to a staggering £890.00 – with the ‘Gotta Have’ dozen including Starbucks’ innovative Milky the Bunny, an interactive cuddly rabbit that wanks itself off and ejaculates condensed milk into your cappuccino or latte when you tickle its genitalia.

The toys were being showcased at the annual ‘Let’s Bankrupt Mum n Dad’ pre-Christmas event at Earls Court in London this week, with the SPA’s prediction of the festive season’s best-sellers being:

The ‘Hurt Locker’ inspired booby-trapped Hopscotch board (£28.99) – which is basically a high-tech digital rehash of the iconic IRA mine detector game - but comes with a flak jacket, bomb-proof boots and several genuine black pepper and bleach thermal explosive mix charges – as used by Muslim terrorists to blow up tube trains.

Coming in at a joint first place on every youngster’s wish list is the Nerf Vortex Nitron Blaster paint gun from Japan, which uses actual radioactive Fuckupshima nuclear reactor glow-in-the-dark paintballs (£44.99). This little baby has a stack of optional extras and comes locked and loaded with depleted uranium ammo to level next door’s shed or the neighbour’s car - plus for another £5 quid on top you get the thermobaric explosive attachment to fry the entire neighbourhood – or your local school – for a shock n awe ‘Nerfageddon’.

Next on the top-sellers list is the Huntingdon Life Sciences all-new junior vivisectionist kit –which enables kids from 5 years onward to take their pets to pieces – hamsters, guinea pigs, rabbits or Granny’s cat – and see what’s inside and really makes them tick. Just imagine the fun – knocking out that nasty ‘attitude problem’ Pitbull terrier from down the road with a shot of chloroform, then performing a ‘Jaws to Gums’ cosmetic conversion job by pulling all its teeth out with the kit’s Dento-Pliers. Complete with a pick n mix selection of miniature body bags and cardboard coffins (£120.55).

Anybody who’s been nagging Mum for a puppy might change their minds after cleaning up Doggy Doo (£24.99) – or Der Kackel Dackel as the hound’s known in Germany. This is a fun ‘roll the dice’ game for all the family – just watch as the greedy little pup gobbles up his yummy treats then shits all over the living room carpet - with the first player to scoop three piles of steaming crap being the winner.

Still as popular this year as last, the Fireman Sam Pontypandy Rescue Set (£29.99) is a top item on kid’s Xmas wish lists posted off to Santa Claus - that iconic old white bearded elf-fiddling paedo’ at the North Pole. The set includes Fireman Sam himself, a model Pontypandy town, Achmed the naughty Muslim arsonist from the Jolly Jihad Gang - bent on hellfire and conflagration as he hates the Pontypandy population’s democratic freedoms. The set includes a hose pipe and asbestos blanket, plus two litres of decaffeinated petrol and a box of matches (fire extinguisher refills extra).

The ‘Let's Rock Elmo’- Tourettes version (£69.99) is bound to be a sensation this holiday season. Sesame Street favourite Elmo has been an integral part of the British youth’s experience in growing up, teaching the alphabet and the corresponding phonetic sounds of each letter.
Now the 2011 Xmas edition is loaded with the latest profanity software with curses and swearwords to suit every social or schoolyard confrontation kids from 5 years upwards are likely to encounter in their daily lives. Tourettes Elmo contains an extensive vocabulary ranging from Arsehole to Zoophiliac – with Motherfucker placed perfectly in the middle – and is also available in several foreign language versions - including Arabic, Mandarin, Russian, French and Serbo-Croat.

A great innovation from Wimpey’s is the Moshling Tree House kit (£199.99). Starting off with a basic two-bedroom style flat pack build, this is a handy place to shack up when you all get evicted from your home by some shitbag building society or banksters as your Dad’s out of a job and can’t pay the mortgage. Recently touted to be the number one 2011 Xmas seller by Homeless magazine, this kit definitely presents a far superior option to living on a landfill site or a motorway bridge abutment. (Tree extra: Oak, Beech, Giant Redwood or Sequoia available).

Last but not least, for schoolgirls with a will of their own and a Dominatrix bent, there’s the Barbie and Ken BD/SM dungeon set, complete with bondage frames, hemp ropes, nipple clamps, cattle prod, whips, shackles, chains and leather fetish gear – with guaranteed ‘safe words’ included (£75.99). Touted a number one best-seller by Max Mosley and Formula One Perv’s magazine.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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