Friday, 30 July 2010

UK Prison Parties Get Nixed

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mr Crispin Klunt, the Libservative Minister for Locking Things Up, has been over-ruled by Downing Street after he suggested HM Prison inmates should be allowed to hold parties and enjoy themselves.
Klunt told a reporter from the Old Lag’s Gazette that a ban on inappropriate events inside the nation’s penal institutions, introduced in 2008 after reports of ‘Little Arrows’ fancy dress parties hit the gutter press headlines, should be classed as a Level 3 Daft on the 1 to 10 Bureaucratic Stupidity scale – right up there alongside Asbo’s and Community Service Orders.

However, when No 10, in a rapid response denial to avert a tidal wave of negative controversy, insisted there would be no such parties after Klunt's comments were reported in a national daily newspaper, he blamed the red top tabloids for an absurd over-reaction concerning the issue.

Posh Dave Scameron's spokeswoman Candida Muffrot informed the media that the prime minister still retained full confidence in his Minister for Locking Things Up - as long as he did what he was told and stopped trying to think for himself, adding “We will be advising Mr Klunt to engage brain before opening mouth in future.”

Klunt made the ‘Let’s Party’ remarks in a speech on the "direction and reform" of the criminal justice system, his first – and quite possibly last - major address on the issue since taking office.
His comments were reported on the front page of the Daily Shitraker, beneath the headline ‘Now You Pay For Prison Parties’, stating that Klunt's "astonishing and moronic declaration" had provoked furious reactions from inside the government itself and with the voting public.

Ms Muffrot commented that Downing Street officials had instructed their counterparts at the Ministry of Justice to make it very clear there would be no prison parties to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, Murderer of the Month awards or whatever – with the Channel 69 scheduled ‘Behind Bars Rapist Review’ and ‘Sodomist’s Paradise’ programmes cancelled in entirety.

“It has come to Posh Dave’s attention that the Minister for Locking Things Up had issued guidance to prison governors giving carte blanche in allowing jailed felons to hold parties, but we just want to make it clear to the public there will be no piss ups for inmate scallies at the taxpayer’s expense – or funded by criminal ill-gotten gains.”

This is the second controversial penal system issue to be pasted with lashings of media attention this week, with the first place going to Justice Secretary Fat Ken Clarke who attracted criticism from sections of the media and elements of his own party for his moronic statements that the prison population is too high and there existed no direct link between rising numbers of prison inmates and the negligible fall in the crime rate due the vacant roles of jailed convicts being immediately filled by budding scallies and unemployed felons with no burglary patch of their own.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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