Monday, 5 July 2010

Russian Rocket Attempts Slam Dunk Docking

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Russian Soyuz Progress 69 cargo rocket which failed to dock with the International Space Station yesterday is reported to now be back under control, according to Dr Igor Pissoffsky of the Moscow-based Sputniks-R-Us Space Agency, who informed the AA’s Orbital Breakdown Recovery Service to hold up on their scheduled rescue mission.

Major Olga Jackoff, the female Russian cosmonaut in charge of the orbiting cargo payload vehicle - launched from the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan (Borat-country) at dawn on Friday to deliver the coming week’s supply of toilet paper, drinking water, the latest Ballbuster Video porno releases, microwave-ready pizzas and oxygen cylinders - was apparently attempting to dock with the ISS while on an acute trajectory angle due forgetting to engage the craft’s automatic GPS unit and inadvertently being on a collision course with the Moon before turning around and heading back towards Earth again after she suffered a personal brain cell telemetry failure – or ‘blonde moment’ - and became distracted while fixing her makeup and chatting to her Mum on the phone.

NASA’s Professor Billy Bob Dorkpuller, captain of the ISS, informed a reporter from the Clusterfucks Gazette “Goddamn, that stupid bitch came at us too fast, then I reckon she jammed the hand brake on never realising she’s in space and they don’t work in a vacuum. Anyways, by the time she kick started the reverse thrusters she’d broad-sided us and made a right balls-up of the patio and barbeque area.”

“But ya know what really pisses me off is the fact she was busy gabbing away on her cellphone while attempting to dock – and the Russkies only carry Third Party, Fire and Theft insurance cover on their wanked out old Soyuz craft which isn’t going to pay for the repairs to the damage she’s caused.”

Apparently following the initial ‘fender bender’ Major Jackoff backed away and attempted to execute a three-point turn to reposition the Progress 69 for a second docking bid – only to reverse into a passing EchoStar 15 communications satellite – shutting down Sky TV’s live World Cup quarter finals coverage across the entire planet.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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