Afghan Kleptocrats to Control of Aid Funds

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The US Muppet President currently perched on the Afghan throne, Hamid ‘Watch yer Pockets’ Kami Karzai, is to sit up and beg for greater control of his country's multi-zillion dollar aid budget at an international conference in Kabul this week.

The ex-Unocal Oil gopher and NWO Neo-Con political stooge, who is classified by the Taliban as a total pariah and unacceptable to all Afghan tribal sects as the country’s Pres’, disingenuously poses as a Sadozai clan leader who boasts he’s entitled by vested hereditary right to lord it over the Popalzai, but is actually from the shit-eating Shamizai tribe.

(For the record the Shamizai are a low caste crew of cave-dwellers cursed by Allah to be hewers of firewood and bonkers of goats – and of late proscribed and stigmatised even further by the international online credit check facility ‘Bilker & Welch’ as a bunch of disreputable debt dodgers whose antics would shame a gaggle of Albanian pikeys)

Family, friends and critics alike all describe ‘Halitosis Hamid’ as a shifty git that prompts you to count your fingers after shaking hands with him.
From early teenage days of flogging his sisters to Soviet troops (Hey Ivan – you want nice smelly Afghan pussy?) Karzai went on to take a post-graduate course in Generalised Villainy at the University of Jaffacake in India, where he made an art form out of graft and corruption.

At a head honcho ‘jirga’ in Kabul this week Karzai will promise the thirty-eight foreign ministers from NATO and other criminal states to take on more responsibility in return for increased security – and a bigger slice of the foreign aid pie.

Currently only 20% of international aid is distributed via the dodgy Afghan government due the fact the Ministry of Corruption and its internal Vice Squad can’t keep their sticky felonious fingers out of the cookie jar.

On Monday the US Secretary of Sleaze Hilarious Rodent Clinton informed one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that the jirga (conference) - the largest to be hosted by the country since the last one - "Is going to bestow greater Afghan participation and leadership, which is only fair considering the money we’re raking in from their opium crops - plus all the freebie real-time field experience and target practice our troops get shooting at their peasants.”

Clinton’s press secretary Ms Sapphie Dildodo informed assembled hacks in the bar of Kabul’s prestigious two-star Mujahideen Hotel that US President Barky O’Barmy was "pressing the Afghan government at all levels to be more accountable with the aid money following recent revelations of large villas in Dubai being funded by corrupt payments siphoned from aid budgets and the purchase of second homes in Switzerland ready for occupancy when Kami-Karzai & Co are forced to flee the country double-quick once the Taliban kick NATO out.”

Conversely critics state that any foreign aid money thrown into this cesspit of graft and corruption is wasted as Hamid Karzai’s ‘Me First Kleptocracy Party’ simply pilfer the funds as fast as they get deposited – on such extravagances as the Minister for Caves, Mohammed al Twatt justified to NATO auditors as “My brother does not yet have a swimming pool at his holiday chalet in Switzerland so I borrowed a few million bucks to help him out.”

Clinton was tasked by O’Barmy to dissuade Karzai from any attempt to make peace with Big Al Qaeda or Taliban Dan or any other militant groups the US considers to be ‘not very nice people’ and possibly opposed to their Zionist plans for world conquest under the handy deception of ‘fighting terrorism’.
"We would strongly advise our good buddies here in Afghanistan to deal only with those who are committed to a peaceful future through our ‘Operation Enduring Warfare’ - and that’s us – the United States of Israel.”

Whereas the Taliban, perhaps reflecting on their country’s reputation as the ‘Graveyard of Empires’, have insisted they will fight until all foreign forces leave – just as they drove out the conquering army of Alexander of Macedonia in 327 BCE – he with a Pashtun archer’s arrow embedded in his chest. Then we have the manky hordes of Tamelane – followed by the equally-manky hordes of Ghengis Khan; proceeded by the Mughal interlopers from India; the ignominious failure of the Great Game with the defeat of the British Raj (Khourd Caboul massacre-1842) and the Soviet Russians: 1979-1989.

However, instead of studying the warrior philosophies of Sun Tzu and Bud Wiser (Buddha’s smarter brother) the United States has exercised its customary brazen hubris and said “Fuck it!” - throwing caution to the winds – and will thus end up on the shit heap of Afghan history along with all the others.

To this end one is left to ponder if Hamid Karzai recollects the barbaric fate of his predecessor – the Russian stooge Mohammad Najibullah - after the Soviet troops pulled out and left the Afghans to self-determination under the rule of the Taliban. Will history repeat itself once the Yanks and NATO skip out and the Taliban move back in – yet again – alike some revolving game of déjà vu?

To prevent the above from occurring, security forces have been out in Biblical multitudes in the Afghan capital ahead of the conference, with scores of checkpoints set up across the approaches to the city by local troops – which are conspicuously unmanned as soon as it goes dark.

Several loud bangs were heard near the diplomatic and government quarter late on Monday, which caused a whole skew of politicians to suffer involuntary bowel movements, before press correspondents determined they were actually caused by one of Mr Achmed’s ‘Jolly Jihad’ commuter buses backfiring.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of 100% proof exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.