Health Minister Disses Naked Chef

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK’s spikey-coiffured culinary icon Jamie Oliver today spit the dummy concerning Andrew Lansley's - the Libservative Coalition’s Health Minister – insulting criticism of his 2005 televised healthy eating school dinners campaign wherein the snide Lansley lost his limp-wristed grip on political correctness and diplomacy, claiming the Naked Chef lectured people and the campaign was a total flop.

Oliver, who earned the moniker of the Naked Chef due his predisposition for cooking breakfast in his birthday suit – and learned the art of swearing under the tutelage of the foul-mouthed Gordon ‘Get Fucked’ Ramsay - today launched a retributive and withering attack on the health secretary for criticising the school food revolution that his campaigning television series forced Tony Bliar’s Labour government to implement.

Oliver told a reporter from the Backstabbers Gazette “Wot the fuck’s wrong wiv this poofter’s beyond me. He kicks off an absolutely pointless diatribe of criticism about me good works an’ efforts while the government themselves had done less than sweet fuck all until me campaign forced their effin’ hand.”

“I mean, I should get me arse inter the House of Conman’s canteen an’ sort their slop out too. Just take a butcher’s at the likes of the Parliamentary hogs such as John ‘Six Chins’ Prescott and Communities Secretary Eric ‘Porkfat’ Pickles an’ that roly-poly baggage Diane Abbott – the Labour MP for Hackney wiv the gallopin' celulite problem an' the perma-suntan. Some bleedin’ example these lard-arsed pillocks are ter healthy livin’ eh. I mean, Rubenesque or Falstaffian simply aint in it – they’re just trough-slurpin’ slobs wiv a capital S.”

"Ter gob off about our healthy school dinners bein’ a failure isn’t just inaccurate, but an effin’ insult ter all the hard work of hundreds of thousands of dinner ladies, teachers, school admin' staff an' parent helpers who’ve bin strivin’ ter feed schoolkids a nutritious, hot meal for 190 days of the year. Any problems we had were due ter the effin’ Labour government not providin’ sufficient fundin’ ter train school catering staff properly.”

“So what pisses me right off is this dog-wankin’ twat Lansley getting’ up on his high horse ter score a few political brownie points an’ headline grabbin’ an’ tellin’ the UK's doctors at the British Medical Association’s annual conference that the healthy school meals wot we introduced across England had failed an’ were an example of how not ter persuade people ter lead healthier lives.”

“He needs ter focus his bleedin’ efforts on kickin’ GM foods and GM-fed animal produce in the head – meats, dairy, eggs, the whole shebang – an’ concentrate on proper food labellin’ instead of suckin’ up ter food industry lobbyists. Get all this crap like MSG an’ aspartame an’ food colourin’s banned an’ start an NHS healthy diet campaign.”

“I mean we haven’t got a National Health Service in this country – it’s a National Ill-Health Service – all we do is treat sicknesses and illness – an’ do next ter eff’ all ter prevent diseases through healthy lifestyles cos the Big Pharma corporations an’ dodgy NHS Trusts are makin’ a bleedin’ bomb outa folks being sick. If every fucker an’ their dog woz healthy then yer could sack all the poxy doctors an’ board up the chemists an’ save a bleedin’ fortune.”

However Lansley's tactless comments have forced the Department for Education to declare that there was no threat to nutritional standards for school food, which are now enshrined in law and mandate that schools do not offer foods high in fat, salt or sugar.

Education Minister Fellattia van der Gamm expressed her irritation at Lansley’s unqualified remarks and stressed he did not reflect the thinking of the Education Authorities. “Goodness gracious, Lansley might be the new Health Secretary but his only experience or connection with health and medicine derives from the fact his father was a pathologist – who only dealt with dead bodies.”

Professor Armitage Shanks, president of the UK Faculty of Public Toilets, opined to the media that Lansley's comments were unfair, disappointing and distressing. "What Jamie Oliver did was excellent. The whole thing managed to improve school meals and embarrassed Bliar’s lame duck Labour government into investing money in the project – even if it was diverted from the body armour budget for the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

Ed Ballsup, Labour’s shadow education secretary, told Parliamentary reporters “Lansley’s off his head and distorting the truth about Jamie Oliver's highly successful campaign. So, what does want back on the menu – the dreaded toxic Turkey Twizzlers?”

Mrs Hilda Scumm, the fiesty president of the Amalgamated Dinner Ladies Union, told the assembled ranks of gutter press hacks at the Pit Bull & Pikey pub over a few pints of Bitch Thumper lager, “Lansley’s remarks are right off the wall and more scent than substance – and a smack in face for Jamie Oliver and all of us who’ve worked so hard in recent years to expand the right of children to enjoy free and healthy school meals.”

However this isn’t the first occasion that Lansley (who started his political career as a gopher for Numpty Norman Tebitt) has suffered from a serious bout of Foot in Mouth Syndrome – besides his fraudulent MP expenses expose for ‘flipping’ his second home claim like a tiddleywink.

In November 2008 he authored a brain-dead blog entry on the Conservative Party website – for which he was later fordced to apologise - claiming the ‘good things’ to come out of a recession included people being able to spend more time with their families – all homeless and hungry and squatting together in a cardboard box on a canal bank in the pissing rain.

The gospel according to unconfirmed rumours states that Lansley has been warned on several previous occasions by Tory party whips to ‘engage brain before opening mouth’ - however the advice appears to have fallen on deaf ears.

Thought for the day: Mr Andrew Lansley Esq might do well in his position as Health Secretary to take to the barricades and oppose Chancellor George Oddborne’s ‘Cutthroat Budget’ scheme for scrapping Labour's plan to extend the right to free school meals to a further 500,000 schoolchildren from poor backgrounds as part of his shit-for-brains cost-saving efforts.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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