Saturday, 10 July 2010

Afghan Prison gets Zero Michelin Rating

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A British man acquitted of bribery by an Afghan appeal court this week has described his time in prison as "not very nice – a living hell in fact – even worse than Butlins.”
Ghengis McTwat, a 69-year-old former Army officer from Smegmadale-on-Sea, was found guilty of bribing customs officials by Kabul’s anti-corruption court in March of this year.

The new court was established at UN and NATO insistence by President Hamid ‘Watch yer Pockets’ Kami-Karzai’s ‘Kleptocracy Party’ government after US military auditors discovered that more than three zillion dollars in economic aid funds – an amount referred to in their report as ‘lots and lots of money’ - had been flown out of Kabul in the past year – confirming fears that ill-gotten gains from corruption and narcotics were being stashed overseas by sticky-fingered government officials.

In court, McTwat admitted coughing up a mob of ready foreign exchange in $100 bills for the release of two impounded vehicles loaded with stolen firearms and opium but insisted he thought he was paying a legitimate fine to the Bureau of Customs. However, McTwat displayed a total lack of prudence in failing to obtain an official receipt for the payment – plus the customs personnel involved being conspicuous by their absence and unable to confirm the veracity of McTwat’s claim - having long since disappeared up the Khyber Pass.

At the time McTwat got his sorry arse involved in this major clusterfuck he was manager of the international security firm Renta-Thug, providing protection to foreign drug dealers - in Afghanistan to trade at the ever-popular 24/7 ‘Pick n Mix’ and ‘Bring n Buy’ narcotics markets.

Following his trial in March, McTwat was jailed for two hundred years and fined a hefty £16,185:15p - plus hit with a further £6:00 in legal fee costs.
McTwat, who served for 28 years in the British army, was held in Kabul's Puke al Shithole Prison, alongside inmates belonging to the Taliban Dan and Big Al Qaeda gangs – and members of the Slackwater / XE murder squads convicted for using Afghan civilians and school kids for target practice.

Upon his release McTwat opined to one reporter from the Warmongers Gazette “No shit, when we were assigned with the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment in Iraq in 2003 I bundled mobs of effin’ insurgents – probably all innocent - off ter Abu Ghraib Prison fer a spot of extraordinary rendition – so obviously there is such a thing as Karma as I’ve just had a taste of me own effin’ medicine fer the past three months.”

“I mean ter say, how do you fancy bein’ the only white Christian bloke in a jail full of iffy Muslims an’ getting bonked up the arse by a bunch of Taliban faggots mornin’, noon an’ night – and twice on Sundays.”

Rupert Bogbrush, a senior British consular official in Kabul who was essential in securing McTwat’s release, described the Puke al Shithole Prison as being “Not a very nice place at all – and definitely somewhere you wouldn’t take your maiden aunt for an afternoon treat of tea and scones. Really, it is rather rough and they never change the bed linen or provide toilet rolls. Positively medieval about sums it up.”

Hmmm, 'Positively medieval" – of fucking course it is – it’s only 1431 in Kabul, according to the Islamic calendar – not 2010. In 1431 the British burned Joan of Arc at the stake for witchcraft – black cat, broomstick, warts and all.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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