Tuesday, 6 July 2010

Lord Oil Slick gets Top Libservative Post

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Early last week, amid the ostentatious surroundings of Scumworth House in London's exclusive Mayfair, Lord Browne of Faggot’s Cross, the dapper New Labour life peer and former chief executive of BP (British Pollution), gave a high falutin lecture on the evasive principles and philosophies of WYA (Watch Your Arse) while occupying the top rungs of the corporate business ladder – and related his personal boardroom survival kit always included “a few scapegoat toadies – preferably the self-harming types - committed to acts of felo-de-se – who’ll take the wrap for any major fuck-ups.”

Displaying his customary aura of unqualified arrogance before an audience of sixty hand-picked sycophants, the ultra-smooth, pansified sodomite shrugged off all personal responsibility for the company's Biblical proportions catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico, then further demonstrated advanced tactical footwork techniques in avoiding critical questions from the gutter press hacks concerning the toxic legacy he bequeathed his beleaguered successor Tony ‘Fuckups-R-Us’ Hayward.

While the audience quaffed jeroboams of Chateau le Dogpiss and slurped back Smegma Sands oysters following the self-promoting speech, Lord Browne signed copies of ‘Beyond Bullshit’, his decidedly one-sided, egoistic autobiography.
Per the derogatory whispered remarks from the media corner, it was hard not to notice what a blatantly transparent sleazebag – so ultra-effeminate and smarmy – BP Oil’s ex-Chief Sith has now become.

One is forced to smile when recalling the comment from Angus McTwatt, a Daily Shitraker columnist, stating “Browne’s the type of pretentious moron that when yer shake hands with the dog-wankin’ git it’s like yer have hold of a slimy dead fish – an’ immediately afterwards get this instinctive urge ter look down an’ count yer fingers ter see if they’re all still present an' correct. Really, the man’s a cunt in cunt’s clothin’.”

Now, three years since being forced to resign from BP under a cloud of ignominy due the scandal that ensued after it was exposed he had committed perjury in court concerning his Canuck transvestite toyboy lover Jefferina van der Fudge, Lord Browne – (aka the Sun King - a derisive moniker bestowed by critics due his regal affectations) - has been named as Whitehall's new 'Efficiency Czar', charged with finding the £6.2 zillion quid in public spending cuts promised in the Libservative’s idiotic Freddie Kruger style ‘Slasher’ Budget.

Yep, so now this supercilious and pompous twat has been personally selected by Posh Dave Cameron to fill the post of the Libservative government’s ‘Cost-Cuts Tsar’ – a man that while head of BP had his cuddly teddy specially flown from California to London on a private executive Gulfstream jet – and the costs – or carbon hoofprint - be fucked.

Hmmm, so obviously the ‘cuts’ won’t be complimented by Browne’s commitment to self-sacrifice and ‘pro bono’ work – or from declining his personal compensation ‘package’, But we’ll doubtless see a similar BP Oil format blitzkrieg of mindless ‘hack and burn’ budget slashing ritual slice the bollocks off jobseekers allowance, council tax and housing benefits, child tax credits, wosrking tax credits, state pensions and welfare benefits in general – plus any additional parsimonious creative accounting schemes to further penurise the poverty-stricken – driving the destitute masses to a point of a no-return revolutionary status position.

Lest we forget – as Posh Dave and Co seem to already have – it was Browne’s policy of inept and cavalier cost-cutting and penny-pinching that have resulted in untold lives lost due avoidable accidents at a refinery in Texas - plus billions of bucks in fines and damages for the various disastrous oil spills in Alaska caused by lack of maintenance in pursuit of the worship of Mammon and higher profits.

Browne’s fingerprints are all over these tragedies – and are the direct legacy that caused the current Deepshit Horizon oil well catastrophe that’s turning the Gulf of Mexico into the planet’s biggest tarpit – and will eventually shut down the Gulf Stream and the North Atlantic Drift, heralding the start of the next Ice Age in the European sector of the northern hemisphere.

Should we, the British public, be at all concerned – or afraid (yep, very afraid) that Posh Dave Cameron and his partner-in-crime Mick Clogg , have elected this clot – Lord Browne of Faggot’s Cross - to the position of Cost Cuts Tsar?

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: If a bear shits on the Mississippi Delta will BP spray it with Corexit 9500?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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