Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Tyneside Scallie Snuffs Entire Plod Squad

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Northumberland police’s Chief Constable Glenda Fuctifino tonight issued an urgent request for armed reinforcements from the Cleveland, Humberside, Yorkshire, Cumbria forces – plus the MoD’s 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment, to join her decimated ranks and hunt down arch-villain and super-scallie Raoul Morton Scroat.

Apparently Scroat went on a homicidal rampage last Saturday after being released from Durham Prison where he had been serving a four-month sentence for mass murder – continuing in the same theme by snuffing his redhead teenage girlfriend Chantelle immediately after using her Paki’ sugar daddy lover for target practice.

Prior to his conviction and subsequent imprisonment Scroat, a former tomcat strangler for Tyneside Council, worked as a night club bouncer for the Renta-Thug Security Agency in Newcastle's Pigg Market - an area of the shitty city infamous for its seedy nightlife – where he earned a reputation for pit bull fisting and tearing the heads off PCSO’s and Community Enforcement jobsworths.

The 37-year old Scroat, who stands 6ft 3in tall and is of muscular build due years of poking steroids up his rectum, left school at 15 with the singular academic achievement of passing his NVQ1 in Benefit Fraud, and was described by former teachers as possessing the IQ equivalent of a grey squirrel.

His ex-landlady, Mrs Hilda Blabberwocky, told one reporter from the Daily Shitraker that Scroat was prone to "volcanic eruptions of tempestuous anger on a Biblical scale if his tea wasn’t ready on time – or his boiled egg was too runny – or if I burned his little toast soldiers.”
“Scroatie’s got himself into a fine mess over that little ginger mingin’ scrubber Chantelle. It’ll be a whoppin’ Community Service Order this time fer the lad – no more getting’ off lightly.”

Immediately following his release from Durham Prison, Scroat's Fuckbook social networking website status was changed to read: "Just got me arse outa jail. I've lost the effin’ lot. Me budgie’s flown the coop, me landlady’s let me room, an’ ter top it all off me lass Chantelle has gone an’ buggered off wiv some darkie bloke wiv a big cock an’ a choice motor. There’s a lot of rumours doin’ the rounds that she’s bin shaggin’ half the Tyneside plod squad too - just ter piss on me bonfire. Now just watch the effin’ shit hit the fan.”

On the Saturday afternoon Mr Achmed Jaffacake, the afore-mentioned “darkie bloke wiv a big cock an’ a choice motor” was leaving girl-friend Chantell’s home on the Scumdale housing estate after a quickie knee trembler in the kitchen when Scroat opened fire with a handgun – snuffing first Mr Jaffacake, then walking into the front garden and shooting his errant girlfriend, the 16-year old mother of three, Chantelle McSlutt, through the parlour window.

Scroat was then observed by alarmed neighbours to drive off in a black Lexus IS200 SE bearing the personalised number plate SCROATIE 666.

From there on in it was Mayhem with a capital M. Scroat called the Newcastle Police HQ on Mr Jaffacake’s mobile phone, stating “I’ve just done fer that twat Chantelle an’ her fancy bloke – now I’m gonna do all you plod sods wot’s bin shaggin’ the arse off her while I’ve bin in the nick – so yer better watch yer backs.”

Stoat’s next target was a patrol car stopped in an Asbo Hamlets lay-by, with Constables Nump and Scrunt enjoying coffee and donuts when Scroat opened fire with a 40 mm M203 grenade launcher, blasting them to Plod Heaven.

Early on Sunday morning, Newcastle’s Ponteland Police HQ was set ablaze when Scroat attacked the building with a M2A1-7 flame thrower, then picked off the panicking plods with an M60 heavy machine gun as they fled the conflagration.

While Scroat remains at large, Chief Constable Glenda Fuctifino informed reporters from the gutter press “We are employing all available resources and tactics to track him down – including the clairvoyant talents of Mystic Mollie and her ouija board and also Paul the psychic soccer octopus – both of who claim Scroat’s the reincarnation of Frank Mitchell – the Mad Axeman.”

"However, please bear in mind that Raoul Morton Scroat is a wanted man – armed and very dangerous and shouldn't be approached by a member of the public – unless they’re wearing a bullet-proof vest and armed with a locked and loaded AK 47 assault rifle."

Conversely Scroat’s probation officer Wendell Bogbrush, informed Pox News “Raoul might well be a paranoid psychopath and have a reputation as being the local anti-Christ, but it’s society’s fault he turned out like this – sexually abused as a choirboy, and no toys as a child. We shouldn't overlook the fact that Raoul’s the product of a broken home – even if he was the one who broke it.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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