Saturday, 31 July 2010

SLUSH Technology for Sci-Fi Plods

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Smegmadale’s elite Plod Squad has begun trialling a sophisticated crime detection programme that bears alarming echoes of the Tom Cruise film Minority Report, in which psychic mutants, fed on a diet of Monsanto’s genetically-modified chew n spew foods, were used to stop villains before they committed a crime.

The system, known as SLUSH (Scally Limitation & Reduction Utilising Statistical History) evaluates crime records, intelligence briefings, offender profiles, junk food and sexual preferences - and even weather reports - to identify potential flashpoints where a crime is most likely to occur – such as a bank - and who will be most likely to pull this type of heist – usually a bank robber.

The “predictive analytics” technology has been credited as a key factor behind a 1% drop in hold-ups around the area’s 7/11 Stop n Rob convenience stores - plus responsible for a marked decrease in the instance of Satanic sex-related crimes and ritual blood sacrifices on the Smegmadale Moors involving groups of Catholic priests, freaky Freemasons, schoolchildren and sheep over the past three months.

Hector McTwat of the Smegadale Crime Analysis Unit explained to a reporter from the Scallies Gazette “This is more of a proactive tool rather than reacting after crimes have occurred. The technology is designed to do what police officers have always done - sometimes purely on instinct – looking for patterns to work out what is likely to happen next.”
“This is based on Chaos Theory coupled with our new ‘Best Guesstimate’ software programme and traditional ‘EEWHWHT?’ plod on the beat intuitive analysis. (‘Ello’ Ello, What Have We Here Then?) which has been designed to put officers in the area at the time that the crimes are being committed.”

“With this software coupled to the town’s CCTV cameras and the national crime database’s Snitch & Grassers programme, we reckon on fielding a squad car to an intended crime site minutes before the felons arrive to pull one off.” “Obviously this strategy has drawn criticism as no-one gets arrested and the scallies simply bow out when they see a bunch of plods and hence piss off into the next county to commit their crimes.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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