Friday, 2 July 2010

Miss Cornwall Stripped of Title

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The winner of the Miss Cornwall 2010 competition has been stripped of the title after lying about her age and where she lived – and the fact ‘she’ was actually a ‘he’ - according to a press statement issued by the competition’s organisers to the Scandalmongers Gazette.

Ms. ‘Chantelle’ Jaffacake stated she was a mere 22 years old in her application when she was actually 56 – with the top age limit being capped at 24.
Chantelle further claimed her birthplace to be Bodmin (renown for its lunatic asylum), however an investigation has now revealed she was actually born in Notting Hill - of a Jamaican mother and an Albanian pikey father.

The organiser’s inquiries into Chantelle’s dodgy background further revealed she was born Frank Jaffacake and underwent a course of female hormone therapy in 2008 to eliminate masculine body and facial hair - and develop child-bearing hips to go with her 38 BB cup boob enhancement job and 25 inch waistline – thereafter assuming her current counterfeit female persona.

One of the Miss Cornwall pageant judges Mr Sefton Bogbrush, informed a reporter from the Transvestites Review “I knew there were summat up wiv that bitch when I had a quick grope at her crotch back stage an’ found out she had a bigger pair of balls than I did.”

Fellow judge Ms Candida Titwank opined “All this bullshit about havin’ a natural tan from all the sunbathin’ she does on the beach at St Ives, then we find out her Ma’s a West Indian darkie. Yer could tell she’s not Cornwall bred by the way she holds a pastie all wrong – an’ tries ter eat the poxy crust as well.”

Miss Cornwall organiser Fellattia Gammer told a correspondent from the Cormorant Stranglers Weekly “When I started to suspect cheating after spotting several glaring irregularities in Chantelle’s competition entry forms we conducted the background check and confronted her with the evidence. She broke down in tears and related she’d lied simply to "follow her dream" – which was to kick her job as a traffic warden and become a beauty queen and a model – much as most frustrated menopausal blokes want to do.”

After initially winning the Miss Cornwall prize, Chantelle was due to represent the yokel county in the Miss England final at Scumdale-on-Sea’s ‘Slapperama Hilton’ in August.
However, further to being deprived of her title the competition organisers are demanding Chantelle returns the £2,000 quid prize money and the trophy cup – plus the contract to her 12 month modelling deal with Jimmy Choo-Choo and Faggorotti Fashions of Milan.

The pageant organisers have now decided the title and place in the Miss England final will be going to the first runner up in the original Miss Cornwall contest – Miss Brenda Scrunt, a professional girls-only lap dancer at Newquay’s infamous ‘Daisy’s Dirty Dykes Rugmunchers Disco Club’.

Do you ever lie about your age or place of birth to gain fiscal or material advantage? How about lying about your sex? Do you know how to hold a Cornish pastie? Can you tell the difference between a Cornish transvestite and one from Notting Hill?

Send us your comments using the online form below and you could win front row tickets to Daisy’s Disco and enjoy the SM delights of a bollocks-busting lesbian lap dance.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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