GCHQ to Hire More Ethnic Terrorist Types

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Sir Morton Bogbrush, the current chief at the Ministry for Snooping, responsible for Britain's top secret eavesdropping centre, GCHQ, has been criticised by the Social Equality charity for failing to recruit more ethnic minority staff to help in the nation’s fight against terrorism – specifically the ultra-abhorrent Islamic nasty Jolly Jihad variety.

The Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ) is the British intelligence agency charged with providing signals intelligence (SIGINT) and information assurance to the UK government and armed forces, which operates under the guidance of the Joint Intelligence Committee when they require fabricated reports and forged intercepts to back up their false flag operations and dodgy dossiers – and are forced to justify the illegal invasions of other soveriegn nations that simply served to forward the grasping commercial agendas of multi-national corporations.

An official report leaked to the Sunday Shitraker by whistleblowers working in the GCHQ’s Snitch & Grassers Unit states that black and Asian job applicants had complained of discrimination when applying for jobs with the GCHQ as they dropped their CV’s off at Jobcentre Plus offices and never received a reply.

Ms Candida Blabberwocky, a spokesperson for the Jobcentre Plus quango, informed the press that “Well, I must admit it’s a bit of a problem as with the GCHQ being a top secret organisation then we don’t have an address to send these job applications. I mean to say, with it being a high security outfit then it wouldn’t be very bloody secret if everybody knew where the place was and could go wandering in and out all will-nilly whenever they pleased or send them parcel bombs.”

The vast majority of the GCHQ's work involves monitoring all manner of electronic communications - phone calls, radio messages, faxes and e-mails – plus Tweets and Twitters from terrorist twats around the globe – with bases ranging from Bradford, Birmingham and Leeds to Fallujah, Beirut, Kabul and Llandudno.

However problems have arisen from the fact that while the 5,500 staff comprising the GCHQ workforce tend to be ‘old school tie’ types who attended one of Britain’s top sodomite educational institutions such as Gordonstoun, Eton, Harrow or Rugby, and were recruited while studying at Oxford or Cambridge, most lack the necessary language skills to interpret e-mails written in Urdu or Arabic or Pashto – and in some cases even French, German or Hebrew – or even plain English.

Sir Ghengis McTwat, head of the MI6 security service explained that a lack of officers with specialist knowledge of languages such as Pashto, Dari, Turkmeni and Gaelic was hampering efforts to spot codes and cultural nuances in intercepted conversations – such as the ‘Jocks in Frocks’ Scottish nationalist militia’s “See you Jimmy” cipher.
"It is critical to have a diverse staff group who are able to profile and recognise certain behaviour patterns and communications, but if we aren’t careful we’ll end up with a bunch of Muslim beardies like that mad mullah cleric bloke Mohammed al Spamzer with the eye patch and hook hand who tried to get us done at an Employment Tribunal for unfair dismissal when he was actually working for Hezbollah."

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.