Scots to Ban Private Cars Before Next Ice Age

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

According to a report in this morning’s copy of the Tartan Tadger red top gutter press tabloid, zillions of pounds of taxpayers’ money has been squandered on sending council snoopers into people’s homes to hector motorists into giving up their cars and travelling by bus instead – or any other form of public transport owned by Brian Spewter and his Highway Robbery group.

Under the Scottish Government’s latest initiative to drive cars off the road (hence lose all revenue from road tax and fuel duties – que?) tens of thousands of hapless members of the general public have been lectured on their own doorsteps concerning Al Bore’s Nobel Prize-winning illusory fantasy termed ‘global warming’ and how they will be regarded as careful Christians and beloved of God if they switch to the Spewter-owned Highway Robbery public transport system – and warned that if they don’t then all the polar bears are going to drown and it’ll be their fault.

Four local authorities - Twathead-on-Sea, East Yobster, Scallydale and Fuckirk, have lavished £10 zillion quid on a string of preposterous green projects, which included sending officials from the Renta-Twat environmental quango on door-banging house visits where they shouted through the letter boxes “See you Jimmy – yer motor’s gonna be a scrapper if yer don’t open up!”

Councils at Knobhead Sands and West Kuntsbridge wasted £2 zillion nicker on a motley dozen ‘Jocks in Frocks’ personal travel advisers visiting 5,000 homes in their 4 x 4 SUV crew cab gas guzzlers, lecturing residents on how to adopt greener lifestyles and make a daily donation to Mr Spewter’s retirement fund by taking a bus or train controlled by the Highway Robbery transport monopoly.

Conversely it was later revealed in the Government’s own evaluation of the project that the vast majority of respondents (78%) advocated they enjoyed travelling by car - yet would prefer to walk to work – even if it was ten miles distant – or lash out and buy a mountain bike - rather than get on a Highway Robbery bus, tram or train full of pisshead thugs, druggies and puking alkies - and as far as they were concerned the endangered polar bears were shit out of luck and better practice treading water.

Official figures leaked to the Scandalmongers Gazette by government whistleblowers working for Ox-Rat, the snitch and grassers charity, reveal that the four councils made almost 23,000 visits since 2008 with a further 14,000 porridge addicts spread across the Highlands due to cop for a call in 2010.

This fiasco, currently being lambasted in Westminster by the new Libservative coalition, was all part of a £15 zillion quid package of initiatives funded by the Scottish Government and councils under the SNP’s Numpty Dumpty Choices scheme, aimed at reducing the number of cars on Scotland’s roads to zero – with Sassenach tourists from south of the border having to park up at Hadrian’s Wall and walk - or take one of Mr Spewter's Highway Robbery buses.

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.